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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God

VATICAN CITY—Calling the tense confrontation both “incredibly harsh” and “uncomfortable to sit through,” a stunned crowd gathered in St. Peter’s Square Tuesday confirmed that they overheard Pope Francis being viciously bitched out by God. “Wow, He’s really laying into him,” said Vatican City resident Sofia Caratti as she and hundreds of other individuals positioned near an open window in the Papal Apartments listened in on the leader of the Catholic Church being mercilessly raked over the coals by a furious Heavenly Father. “He’s actually yelling. And the pope’s just sitting there taking it. Whoa—He just told the pope to ‘either get your shit together or take a walk.’ I really can’t believe they’re doing this with everyone within earshot—don’t they realize that we can hear everything?” When reached for comment, the Supreme Deity declined to discuss the nature of the altercation with his subordinate, telling reporters to “mind [their] own fucking business.”

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