adBlockCheck

Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Holidays

Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God

VATICAN CITY—Calling the tense confrontation both “incredibly harsh” and “uncomfortable to sit through,” a stunned crowd gathered in St. Peter’s Square Tuesday confirmed that they overheard Pope Francis being viciously bitched out by God. “Wow, He’s really laying into him,” said Vatican City resident Sofia Caratti as she and hundreds of other individuals positioned near an open window in the Papal Apartments listened in on the leader of the Catholic Church being mercilessly raked over the coals by a furious Heavenly Father. “He’s actually yelling. And the pope’s just sitting there taking it. Whoa—He just told the pope to ‘either get your shit together or take a walk.’ I really can’t believe they’re doing this with everyone within earshot—don’t they realize that we can hear everything?” When reached for comment, the Supreme Deity declined to discuss the nature of the altercation with his subordinate, telling reporters to “mind [their] own fucking business.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close