Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God

VATICAN CITY—Calling the tense confrontation both “incredibly harsh” and “uncomfortable to sit through,” a stunned crowd gathered in St. Peter’s Square Tuesday confirmed that they overheard Pope Francis being viciously bitched out by God. “Wow, He’s really laying into him,” said Vatican City resident Sofia Caratti as she and hundreds of other individuals positioned near an open window in the Papal Apartments listened in on the leader of the Catholic Church being mercilessly raked over the coals by a furious Heavenly Father. “He’s actually yelling. And the pope’s just sitting there taking it. Whoa—He just told the pope to ‘either get your shit together or take a walk.’ I really can’t believe they’re doing this with everyone within earshot—don’t they realize that we can hear everything?” When reached for comment, the Supreme Deity declined to discuss the nature of the altercation with his subordinate, telling reporters to “mind [their] own fucking business.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close