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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God

VATICAN CITY—Calling the tense confrontation both “incredibly harsh” and “uncomfortable to sit through,” a stunned crowd gathered in St. Peter’s Square Tuesday confirmed that they overheard Pope Francis being viciously bitched out by God. “Wow, He’s really laying into him,” said Vatican City resident Sofia Caratti as she and hundreds of other individuals positioned near an open window in the Papal Apartments listened in on the leader of the Catholic Church being mercilessly raked over the coals by a furious Heavenly Father. “He’s actually yelling. And the pope’s just sitting there taking it. Whoa—He just told the pope to ‘either get your shit together or take a walk.’ I really can’t believe they’re doing this with everyone within earshot—don’t they realize that we can hear everything?” When reached for comment, the Supreme Deity declined to discuss the nature of the altercation with his subordinate, telling reporters to “mind [their] own fucking business.”

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