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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely

LOS ANGELES—According to fans who attended this week’s E3 gaming conference in Los Angeles, representatives for Sony, Nintendo, and other industry heavyweights made the stunning announcement that next-generation video game consoles and devices will completely phase out graphics. “Graphics-free gaming is finally here, and I am thrilled to report that it is indeed the wave of the future,” Microsoft vice president Yusuf Mehdi reportedly told audience members while gesturing to a large black gameplay screen behind him. “The upcoming Xbox One is leading the way in this groundbreaking new paradigm, offering immersive, interactive new worlds brought to life by the latest audio cards and surround-sound technology. Using our intuitive new controllers, microphones, and keyboards, you’ll shout and text your way through fierce battles and fantastical missions, free at last from the cumbersome 3D graphics and lifelike visuals of yesterday’s game consoles. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the next generation of gaming.” Multiple sources have reported that the most highly anticipated graphics-free game of 2014 is undoubtedly Bethesda Studios’ text-based adaptation of Henry James’ 1881 novel The Portrait Of A Lady.

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