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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely

LOS ANGELES—According to fans who attended this week’s E3 gaming conference in Los Angeles, representatives for Sony, Nintendo, and other industry heavyweights made the stunning announcement that next-generation video game consoles and devices will completely phase out graphics. “Graphics-free gaming is finally here, and I am thrilled to report that it is indeed the wave of the future,” Microsoft vice president Yusuf Mehdi reportedly told audience members while gesturing to a large black gameplay screen behind him. “The upcoming Xbox One is leading the way in this groundbreaking new paradigm, offering immersive, interactive new worlds brought to life by the latest audio cards and surround-sound technology. Using our intuitive new controllers, microphones, and keyboards, you’ll shout and text your way through fierce battles and fantastical missions, free at last from the cumbersome 3D graphics and lifelike visuals of yesterday’s game consoles. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the next generation of gaming.” Multiple sources have reported that the most highly anticipated graphics-free game of 2014 is undoubtedly Bethesda Studios’ text-based adaptation of Henry James’ 1881 novel The Portrait Of A Lady.

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