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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Stupid Magazine Ranks Some Stupid Crap

NEW YORK, NY—Fling magazine, the "magazine for on-the-go twentysomethings," arbitrarily ranked a bunch of stupid crap from 1 to 10 in its new September issue, providing those included in the list with a false sense of validation and Fling with something to put on its cover. "We are number one," said a member of the group ranked first. "This magazine ranking proves it!" In addition to exciting those included near the top of the list, the survey excited editors of other stupid publications, who found the stupid rankings to be a perfect editorial space-filler. According to Fling editor Michael Klein, the magazine plans to rank as much other crap as possible in the future, as making up lists lends a publication importance and credibility.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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