adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Stupid Magazine Ranks Some Stupid Crap

NEW YORK, NY—Fling magazine, the "magazine for on-the-go twentysomethings," arbitrarily ranked a bunch of stupid crap from 1 to 10 in its new September issue, providing those included in the list with a false sense of validation and Fling with something to put on its cover. "We are number one," said a member of the group ranked first. "This magazine ranking proves it!" In addition to exciting those included near the top of the list, the survey excited editors of other stupid publications, who found the stupid rankings to be a perfect editorial space-filler. According to Fling editor Michael Klein, the magazine plans to rank as much other crap as possible in the future, as making up lists lends a publication importance and credibility.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close