Style For Men

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Style For Men

Men's fashion choices are becoming increasingly more complex. Here are some tips to help you sort through the contradictory ideas you might have about what to wear:

  • Socks inside of shoes; it's that simple.
  • Your socks should match the color of your belt, which should match the color of your eyes, which should be brown.
  • If your mother is unavailable, be sure to always have an older female on hand ready to lick her thumb and clean off your mouth at a moment’s notice.
  • When dressing for an office party, always dress well enough to be promoted but not so well that they wouldn't feel bad about firing you.
  • When wearing a button-down shirt, it's important to leave it slightly open at the neck for a suave, casual effect, but not so open that others can see the top of the Van Halen logo on your T-shirt underneath.
  • Have you considered a smoking jacket? Good, don't.