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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Subconscious Can’t Wait To Turn Offhand Remark From Boss Into Dream About Drowning Horse

BROOKLINE, MA—Chomping at the bit to twist the benign statement into an absolutely terrifying image, the subconscious of local man David Vanwell reportedly couldn’t wait Monday to turn an offhand remark by his boss into a dream about a drowning horse. “Oh yeah, as soon as he falls asleep I’m going to manifest that frivolous comment from the earlier meeting into a horrifying visual of a stallion vainly flailing for its life as it slowly disappears underwater,” said Vanwell’s psyche, excitedly planning every detail of the panicked horse’s descent to a watery grave that will somehow represent his supervisor’s innocuous observation. “I’ve been waiting for the perfect excuse to drop a stallion in an above-ground swimming pool where it can sink down, down, down as if to the bottom of the ocean even though the pool itself is only six feet high, and now I have it. He’s not going to know what hit him when the horse starts gurgling for help in his boss’s voice.” At press time, Vanwell’s subconscious suddenly realized the drowning horse scenario could segue nicely into a scene of him being trapped inside a burning freight elevator that symbolized a casual text from his girlfriend.

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