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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

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TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

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Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts

GURNEE, IL–On the surface, the home of John and Beth Secora looks just like any other suburban residence. But this seemingly ordinary dwelling harbors a secret: It is haunted by two incredibly boring ghosts.

The dull apparitions sit around the Secoras' living room.

"They really don't do much," Beth said. "Once in a while, John and I will see our Uno cards spread out all over the kitchen table or the refrigerator door left slightly ajar. If we go out on a Sunday afternoon, sometimes we come back to find a few coupons clipped out of the newspaper for things we never use, like cream of mushroom soup or Metamucil. As haunting goes, it's pretty tame stuff."

The couple first felt an otherworldly presence just days after moving into the home in November 2002.

"We would feel this slowly increasing chill, like someone else was in the room with us," Beth said. "Then, we'd notice that even though we set the thermostat at 72 degrees, someone or something had turned it down to 68. We'd turn it up, and they'd turn it back down. We finally just gave up and started wearing sweaters."

Determined to rid their house of the mundane wraiths, the Secoras enlisted the help of psychic Mary Harrow.

"We held a séance in our living room, using a Ouija board to ask them questions," John said. "We made contact, but rather than give us yes-or-no answers, they would blather on about how their daughter in Maine never calls or argue about the location of the good pot-roast pan. After about 10 minutes, we felt one of the spirits leave the room to turn on the TV in the den and watch the PGA Masters."

After the séance, the ghosts–who Harrow suspects are the home's previous owners, a middle-aged couple who died of radon poisoning–began leaving more evidence of their presence. Among the signs were an improperly re-coiled garden hose and an uncapped toothpaste tube, as well as cryptic messages left on the steamed-up bathroom mirror, including, "We're almost out of toilet paper."

In March, after four months of disturbances, the Secoras began to hear voices.

"One day at breakfast, we heard a disembodied male voice groaning, 'Honeeey, where are my dress socks?'" John said. "It went on like that for almost an hour. We left out dress socks of all colors, but to no avail. Then, we started hearing more messages from beyond: 'Have you seen my keys?' 'Get almonds when you go to the store.' 'Did you pick up my suit from the cleaners?' Nothing remotely spooky or even interesting."

In spite of the ghosts' inoffensive personalities and overall unintrusiveness, Beth and John say they are near the end of their rope.

"Something has to be done," Beth said. "It's like having a party guest that shows up too early and stays too late but doesn't drink and doesn't have anything to say. If we have to be haunted, the least they could do is toss some plates around or do something to liven things up."

"Whenever anyone finds out that our house is possessed by ghosts, they always act like it's a big deal, but believe me, it isn't," John said. "Unless you consider some invisible force dusting an endtable or flipping through the Sunday Pennysaver scary."

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