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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts

GURNEE, IL–On the surface, the home of John and Beth Secora looks just like any other suburban residence. But this seemingly ordinary dwelling harbors a secret: It is haunted by two incredibly boring ghosts.

The dull apparitions sit around the Secoras' living room.

"They really don't do much," Beth said. "Once in a while, John and I will see our Uno cards spread out all over the kitchen table or the refrigerator door left slightly ajar. If we go out on a Sunday afternoon, sometimes we come back to find a few coupons clipped out of the newspaper for things we never use, like cream of mushroom soup or Metamucil. As haunting goes, it's pretty tame stuff."

The couple first felt an otherworldly presence just days after moving into the home in November 2002.

"We would feel this slowly increasing chill, like someone else was in the room with us," Beth said. "Then, we'd notice that even though we set the thermostat at 72 degrees, someone or something had turned it down to 68. We'd turn it up, and they'd turn it back down. We finally just gave up and started wearing sweaters."

Determined to rid their house of the mundane wraiths, the Secoras enlisted the help of psychic Mary Harrow.

"We held a séance in our living room, using a Ouija board to ask them questions," John said. "We made contact, but rather than give us yes-or-no answers, they would blather on about how their daughter in Maine never calls or argue about the location of the good pot-roast pan. After about 10 minutes, we felt one of the spirits leave the room to turn on the TV in the den and watch the PGA Masters."

After the séance, the ghosts–who Harrow suspects are the home's previous owners, a middle-aged couple who died of radon poisoning–began leaving more evidence of their presence. Among the signs were an improperly re-coiled garden hose and an uncapped toothpaste tube, as well as cryptic messages left on the steamed-up bathroom mirror, including, "We're almost out of toilet paper."

In March, after four months of disturbances, the Secoras began to hear voices.

"One day at breakfast, we heard a disembodied male voice groaning, 'Honeeey, where are my dress socks?'" John said. "It went on like that for almost an hour. We left out dress socks of all colors, but to no avail. Then, we started hearing more messages from beyond: 'Have you seen my keys?' 'Get almonds when you go to the store.' 'Did you pick up my suit from the cleaners?' Nothing remotely spooky or even interesting."

In spite of the ghosts' inoffensive personalities and overall unintrusiveness, Beth and John say they are near the end of their rope.

"Something has to be done," Beth said. "It's like having a party guest that shows up too early and stays too late but doesn't drink and doesn't have anything to say. If we have to be haunted, the least they could do is toss some plates around or do something to liven things up."

"Whenever anyone finds out that our house is possessed by ghosts, they always act like it's a big deal, but believe me, it isn't," John said. "Unless you consider some invisible force dusting an endtable or flipping through the Sunday Pennysaver scary."

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