adBlockCheck

Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts

GURNEE, IL–On the surface, the home of John and Beth Secora looks just like any other suburban residence. But this seemingly ordinary dwelling harbors a secret: It is haunted by two incredibly boring ghosts.

The dull apparitions sit around the Secoras' living room.

"They really don't do much," Beth said. "Once in a while, John and I will see our Uno cards spread out all over the kitchen table or the refrigerator door left slightly ajar. If we go out on a Sunday afternoon, sometimes we come back to find a few coupons clipped out of the newspaper for things we never use, like cream of mushroom soup or Metamucil. As haunting goes, it's pretty tame stuff."

The couple first felt an otherworldly presence just days after moving into the home in November 2002.

"We would feel this slowly increasing chill, like someone else was in the room with us," Beth said. "Then, we'd notice that even though we set the thermostat at 72 degrees, someone or something had turned it down to 68. We'd turn it up, and they'd turn it back down. We finally just gave up and started wearing sweaters."

Determined to rid their house of the mundane wraiths, the Secoras enlisted the help of psychic Mary Harrow.

"We held a séance in our living room, using a Ouija board to ask them questions," John said. "We made contact, but rather than give us yes-or-no answers, they would blather on about how their daughter in Maine never calls or argue about the location of the good pot-roast pan. After about 10 minutes, we felt one of the spirits leave the room to turn on the TV in the den and watch the PGA Masters."

After the séance, the ghosts–who Harrow suspects are the home's previous owners, a middle-aged couple who died of radon poisoning–began leaving more evidence of their presence. Among the signs were an improperly re-coiled garden hose and an uncapped toothpaste tube, as well as cryptic messages left on the steamed-up bathroom mirror, including, "We're almost out of toilet paper."

In March, after four months of disturbances, the Secoras began to hear voices.

"One day at breakfast, we heard a disembodied male voice groaning, 'Honeeey, where are my dress socks?'" John said. "It went on like that for almost an hour. We left out dress socks of all colors, but to no avail. Then, we started hearing more messages from beyond: 'Have you seen my keys?' 'Get almonds when you go to the store.' 'Did you pick up my suit from the cleaners?' Nothing remotely spooky or even interesting."

In spite of the ghosts' inoffensive personalities and overall unintrusiveness, Beth and John say they are near the end of their rope.

"Something has to be done," Beth said. "It's like having a party guest that shows up too early and stays too late but doesn't drink and doesn't have anything to say. If we have to be haunted, the least they could do is toss some plates around or do something to liven things up."

"Whenever anyone finds out that our house is possessed by ghosts, they always act like it's a big deal, but believe me, it isn't," John said. "Unless you consider some invisible force dusting an endtable or flipping through the Sunday Pennysaver scary."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close