adBlockCheck

Suburban Mom Wows Family With Most Androgynous Look Yet

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Suburban Mom Wows Family With Most Androgynous Look Yet

Family members say they are “wowed” by DiPietro’s completely sexless new look.
Family members say they are “wowed” by DiPietro’s completely sexless new look.

BURKE, VA—Speechless for several seconds after she descended the stairs for breakfast Sunday, the family of local mother Jolene DiPietro were reportedly “floored” by the 49-year-old’s latest look, a gender-neutral mix of loose-fitting clothes and low-maintenance grooming that muted any and all outward feminine characteristics.

“Wow, I thought she looked completely genderless before, but now she’s really taken it to a whole new level,” said DiPietro’s daughter Katie, praising her mother’s style combination of formless brown fleece pullover, button-down blue-and-white-checked shirt, and relaxed-fit khakis. “I can’t get over how her short-cropped hair spikes up in front, and how what little makeup she wears only serves to de-emphasize any discernibly feminine facial features.”

“Who is this androgynous being, and what has it done with my mom?” she added. “Terrific stuff.”

In addition to her clothes, which effusive family members said were “the blandest arrangement of earth tones they’d ever seen,” DiPietro’s new indeterminate-gender look was accessorized with a black unisex watch and a cavernous hunter-green all-purpose day bag that is said to enhance the boxiness of her already distinctly squarish body type.

As she walked around the kitchen, sources confirmed, all eyes were fixated on her footwear, a pair of comfortable-looking gray New Balance sneakers that “just scream either woman or man.”

Family members were also wowed by DiPietro’s decision to complement her outfit with a beige knit scarf and a clip-on pedometer, both “bold style choices” that they said really perfected the wife and mother’s new “sexless suburbanite” look.

“Yep, that’s the human being I married,” boasted DiPietro’s husband, Paul. “Those roomy chinos really show off how her legs are a functional part of her body necessary for locomotion. And those white tube socks sure do hug her unnoticeable curves.”

“After 19 years together, I gotta say, this is the most ungendered I’ve ever seen her looking,” he continued. “I’m so impressed.”

According to sources, while DiPietro had long been quite the asexual specimen—she reportedly bobbed her hair when she turned 40, and five years ago stopped wearing blouses and skirts completely—in the past she always retained a sliver of gender identification, at least wearing hoop earrings or perhaps a charm bracelet.

But now, in the absence of any sort of jewelry, noticeable makeup, feminine hairstyle, or even a single piece of brightly colored clothing that might hint at her gender, DiPietro’s family all agreed that her current look was by far the capper.

“Of course, we all know there’s a woman somewhere under all those baggy, billowing clothes,” said Katie, underscoring how impressed she was that her mother had managed to transform herself into such an androgynous fashionista. “But if I didn’t know her, it would take me a while to guess what kind of genitals she had.”

“Or, for that matter, whether she had any genitals at all,” she added.

After breakfast, DiPietro reportedly left to go power-walking with a similar-looking group of amorphous, middle-aged humans.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close