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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

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President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Suburban Parade Of Homes Marred By Rotting Ox On Lawn

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The Greater Schaumburg Realtors' Association's annual Parade Of Homes exhibition was marred Saturday by the presence of a rotting ox on the front lawn of one of the model homes on display.

More than two dozen potential home buyers, each of whom paid a $10 fee to participate in the Parade of Homes, requested their money back after coming across the festering ox carcass at 42 Butterfield Lane in the newly developed subdivision of Meadow Crest Village.

Beverly Russo, executive director of the Schaumburg Realtors' Association, apologized to Parade Of Homes participants for the incident and strongly urged them to still consider purchasing a Meadow Crest Village home.

"We deeply regret any inconvenience and unpleasantness that may have been caused by the late ox," Russo said. "I can assure you that it was not intended to be included in the roster of exhibited homes. Nor should it be construed that enormous mounds of maggot-infested ox flesh are common in this traditional yet forward-thinking new subdivision, which is conveniently located near several area public schools, shopping malls, and the scenic Lake Meadow Golf Course."

Exacerbated by the unseasonably hot noonday sun, the stench of the decaying ox corpse permeated the entire subdivision. Buyers tried their best to ignore the half ton of putrescent ox meat, holding handkerchiefs to their noses while Realtors' Association representatives showed off the showcase homes' innovative designs and quality home furnishings, which included the latest in self-cleaning ovens, light fixtures and appliances, wet bars, and indoor jacuzzis with adjustable whirlpool settings.

"These homes are to die for, but it's going to take a few good, hard cleanings to get that liquefying-entrails odor out of their exquisite, Georgian-inspired, patterned chintz drapes," said realtor Mary Lou Carey, pointing to a panoramic picture window in the sunken living room of a four-bedroom, two-bath home at 26 Crestview Terrace, which boasts spectacular views of the 18th hole of the Lake Meadow Golf Course and the necrotic, fly-engulfed beast of burden.

Local realtors are concerned that the ox may have a negative effect on property values.

"Any time a large animal dies in a suburban area like this, it tends to push the real-estate market downward," said Russell Abernathy, an independent realtor in nearby Arlington Heights. "Early in my career, I was helping an elderly couple sell their two-bedroom home, perfect for a young couple just starting out. But it remained on the market for nearly 10 months, just because a horse had died on the lawn that summer. It wasn't until the horse had rotted enough that the only remaining trace of it was its bleached bones that I was finally able to find a buyer. And even then, we closed at only half its original value."

The bloated ox heap, which Schaumburg city officials said will not be able to be moved until early next week, has also greatly disturbed Meadow Crest Village's 350 residents.

"That thing is just a terrible eyesore, and I want it out of here as soon as possible," area resident Teresa Stampfel said. "I mean, it certainly does nothing to enhance the beauty of Meadow Crest's secluded woodland setting."

"The thing I'm most worried about is the children," mother of three Shirley McEvoy said. "Putrefying oxen are unsanitary and unsafe for children to play in or around. And what if a hyena comes to eat its remains? Neighborhood children might try to pet it and risk contracting terrible brain and nerve diseases. And I'd hate for this ox to interfere with this Saturday's pee-wee soccer playoffs: My Kyle is playing goalie, and he'd be just heartbroken if the game were cancelled because of a dead mammal."

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