Suburban Parade Of Homes Marred By Rotting Ox On Lawn

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Vol 32 Issue 11

Authority Figure Demands To Know Meaning Of This

NEW HAVEN, CT—Flustered by the incessant insubordination and rowdy antics of a group of students, stodgy authority figure and boarding-school headmaster James K. Worthington III demanded to know the meaning of this Monday. “What is the meaning of this?” the red-faced Worthington said upon discovering the stately oak desk in his office covered in toilet paper. “What have you insolent young hooligans done? I demand an explanation and an apology at once!” Following a contrived explanation by the students, Worthington winced skeptically and warned that future acts of mischief would be dealt with severely. Later in the day, Worthington was grievously embarrassed when white paint was splattered all over his dark suit.

CNN's Hollywood Minute Announces Special Two-Minute Season Premiere

ATLANTA—At a special news conference Monday, CNN programming executives announced that the network’s popular Hollywood Minute segment will make its season premiere Oct. 25 with a special two-minute episode. “We thought we’d open the new season with a bang, and what better way to do it than with a spectacular double-length show?” program producer Anthony Charles said. The episode will reportedly feature a sizzling revelation from actor John Larroquette about a past love, as well as a visit to the set of Paramount Pictures’ Workin’ Overtime, an action/comedy starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jennifer Tilly.

Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes

TABELBALA, ALGERIA—Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday, sending shockwaves through the North African nation. According to reports, Ain-Sefra was not shot, hanged, stabbed nor disemboweled by roving hordes of horse-mounted Islamic extremists. “I am stunned by this non-violent end to Beni’s life,” Ain-Sefra’s wife Sumora said. “I always imagined that when it was my husband’s turn to go to Heaven, he would be cut in half by militants and have his upper body fed to a pack of wild dogs and his legs dumped in a well. This natural, peaceful act of God will take time to sink in.”

My Failed Suicide Attempts

There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this mortal coil. But after 132 years, my prayers have still not been answered, so every now and again I attempt to bring about my yearned-for demise myself.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Suburban Parade Of Homes Marred By Rotting Ox On Lawn

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The Greater Schaumburg Realtors' Association's annual Parade Of Homes exhibition was marred Saturday by the presence of a rotting ox on the front lawn of one of the model homes on display.

More than two dozen potential home buyers, each of whom paid a $10 fee to participate in the Parade of Homes, requested their money back after coming across the festering ox carcass at 42 Butterfield Lane in the newly developed subdivision of Meadow Crest Village.

Beverly Russo, executive director of the Schaumburg Realtors' Association, apologized to Parade Of Homes participants for the incident and strongly urged them to still consider purchasing a Meadow Crest Village home.

"We deeply regret any inconvenience and unpleasantness that may have been caused by the late ox," Russo said. "I can assure you that it was not intended to be included in the roster of exhibited homes. Nor should it be construed that enormous mounds of maggot-infested ox flesh are common in this traditional yet forward-thinking new subdivision, which is conveniently located near several area public schools, shopping malls, and the scenic Lake Meadow Golf Course."

Exacerbated by the unseasonably hot noonday sun, the stench of the decaying ox corpse permeated the entire subdivision. Buyers tried their best to ignore the half ton of putrescent ox meat, holding handkerchiefs to their noses while Realtors' Association representatives showed off the showcase homes' innovative designs and quality home furnishings, which included the latest in self-cleaning ovens, light fixtures and appliances, wet bars, and indoor jacuzzis with adjustable whirlpool settings.

"These homes are to die for, but it's going to take a few good, hard cleanings to get that liquefying-entrails odor out of their exquisite, Georgian-inspired, patterned chintz drapes," said realtor Mary Lou Carey, pointing to a panoramic picture window in the sunken living room of a four-bedroom, two-bath home at 26 Crestview Terrace, which boasts spectacular views of the 18th hole of the Lake Meadow Golf Course and the necrotic, fly-engulfed beast of burden.

Local realtors are concerned that the ox may have a negative effect on property values.

"Any time a large animal dies in a suburban area like this, it tends to push the real-estate market downward," said Russell Abernathy, an independent realtor in nearby Arlington Heights. "Early in my career, I was helping an elderly couple sell their two-bedroom home, perfect for a young couple just starting out. But it remained on the market for nearly 10 months, just because a horse had died on the lawn that summer. It wasn't until the horse had rotted enough that the only remaining trace of it was its bleached bones that I was finally able to find a buyer. And even then, we closed at only half its original value."

The bloated ox heap, which Schaumburg city officials said will not be able to be moved until early next week, has also greatly disturbed Meadow Crest Village's 350 residents.

"That thing is just a terrible eyesore, and I want it out of here as soon as possible," area resident Teresa Stampfel said. "I mean, it certainly does nothing to enhance the beauty of Meadow Crest's secluded woodland setting."

"The thing I'm most worried about is the children," mother of three Shirley McEvoy said. "Putrefying oxen are unsanitary and unsafe for children to play in or around. And what if a hyena comes to eat its remains? Neighborhood children might try to pet it and risk contracting terrible brain and nerve diseases. And I'd hate for this ox to interfere with this Saturday's pee-wee soccer playoffs: My Kyle is playing goalie, and he'd be just heartbroken if the game were cancelled because of a dead mammal."

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