adBlockCheck

Suburban Recycling Program Now Accepting Broken and Discarded Dreams

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Suburban Recycling Program Now Accepting Broken and Discarded Dreams

MINEOLA, NY—The Nassau County Department of Sanitation announced today that its recycling program will be expanded to include pickup and processing of the broken and discarded dreams of suburban Long Island residents.

"It's a breakthrough," said Chief of Sanitation Ronald Burris. "Our three-part program to reduce, reuse and recycle the dashed hopes of some 4.7 million upper middle-class Long Islanders will finally give us a sensible way to manage an ever-increasing overflow of crushing suburban disillusionment."

Under the new system, dreams that are outdated or unreachable must be broken down into manageable rectangles, bundled with twine and set out on the curb next to glass or aluminum.

Dreams that have been shattered into hundreds or thousands of small pieces must be tightly bagged and marked with special industrial orange "FAILURE" stickers in order to ensure the protection of sanitation workers.

Further, in order to ensure the proper and efficient recycling of faded dreams, the county is asking citizens to separate dreams into clearly marked bundles of family, career and personal.

Reactions from suburbanites have been mixed.

"I was a partner in a top Manhattan law firm," said Greg Masters, 46, of Great Neck. "But when my firm hired a young, hotshot Columbia law school grad who was willing to work twice my hours for half the pay, I was put out to pasture. Then my drinking started getting out of control, and my wife took the kids and left me. I'll be glad to see my wasted dreams put out on the curb next to the bottles."

Syosset resident Harvey Feldstone agreed. "I wanted to raise my son to be a doctor, but he wasn't interested. All the money spent on private tutoring and college prep courses was for nothing when he dropped out of high school and became a musician," Feldstone said. "At least now I feel like I'm doing my part to help the environment."

According to county officials, the new recycling program was developed in response to Long Island's badly overflowing White Middle Class Landfill of Despair. Since 1972, residents have dumped some 650 million tons of refuse into the landfill, including 230 million tons of empty promises and 100 million tons of false expectations.

Under the new program, though recycling of dreams will be mandatory, exceptions will be made for those who have nothing else to hold onto. Residents with no other coping mechanism in their lives—no extramarital affairs, no obsessive shopping habits—will be excused from the recycling program if they should so request.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close