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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Suburban Recycling Program Now Accepting Broken and Discarded Dreams

MINEOLA, NY—The Nassau County Department of Sanitation announced today that its recycling program will be expanded to include pickup and processing of the broken and discarded dreams of suburban Long Island residents.

"It's a breakthrough," said Chief of Sanitation Ronald Burris. "Our three-part program to reduce, reuse and recycle the dashed hopes of some 4.7 million upper middle-class Long Islanders will finally give us a sensible way to manage an ever-increasing overflow of crushing suburban disillusionment."

Under the new system, dreams that are outdated or unreachable must be broken down into manageable rectangles, bundled with twine and set out on the curb next to glass or aluminum.

Dreams that have been shattered into hundreds or thousands of small pieces must be tightly bagged and marked with special industrial orange "FAILURE" stickers in order to ensure the protection of sanitation workers.

Further, in order to ensure the proper and efficient recycling of faded dreams, the county is asking citizens to separate dreams into clearly marked bundles of family, career and personal.

Reactions from suburbanites have been mixed.

"I was a partner in a top Manhattan law firm," said Greg Masters, 46, of Great Neck. "But when my firm hired a young, hotshot Columbia law school grad who was willing to work twice my hours for half the pay, I was put out to pasture. Then my drinking started getting out of control, and my wife took the kids and left me. I'll be glad to see my wasted dreams put out on the curb next to the bottles."

Syosset resident Harvey Feldstone agreed. "I wanted to raise my son to be a doctor, but he wasn't interested. All the money spent on private tutoring and college prep courses was for nothing when he dropped out of high school and became a musician," Feldstone said. "At least now I feel like I'm doing my part to help the environment."

According to county officials, the new recycling program was developed in response to Long Island's badly overflowing White Middle Class Landfill of Despair. Since 1972, residents have dumped some 650 million tons of refuse into the landfill, including 230 million tons of empty promises and 100 million tons of false expectations.

Under the new program, though recycling of dreams will be mandatory, exceptions will be made for those who have nothing else to hold onto. Residents with no other coping mechanism in their lives—no extramarital affairs, no obsessive shopping habits—will be excused from the recycling program if they should so request.

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