Suburban Recycling Program Now Accepting Broken and Discarded Dreams

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Vol 30 Issue 05

Instant Gratification Sped Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Bowing to the demands of the American people, U.S. officials sped up instant gratification yesterday, making wish fulfillment more immediate than ever before. "Although gratification has been instant ever since the early '70s in this country," said William Lawson, chair of the National Gratification Investigatory Committee, "many Americans were still complaining it just wasn't fast enough." According to Lawson, from now on, gratification will actually be faster than instantaneous, occuring some .002 milliseconds before desire is even felt.

Film To Be Made Into John Grisham

OXFORD, MS—According to entertainment industry insiders, Columbia Pictures' 1995 courtroom thriller, The Witness, will soon be made into noted fiction writer John Grisham. The story of a blind boy who hears a racially charged murder take place in a Washington, DC coffee shop, The Witness will become a six-foot-one, 190-pound, best-selling lawyer-turned-author with a penchant for writing gripping page-turners set in the legal world. "We believe this recent box-office smash will make a great Oxford, Mississippi-based author," said David Rudner, Columbia Pictures' spokesperson. "The gripping dialogue and nail-biting trial scenes should have people who meet Grisham on the edge of their seats." The Witness: The Human Being is due out in July of '97.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to police, a pair of area panties was discovered yesterday all wound up in a bunch and badly in need of some loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains Police Chief Jonathan Norcross said, "obviously needed to relax. Failure to chill out is the number one reason so many panties get bunched in this country each year." Though the panties investigation is still pending, Norcross denied rumors of a connection between yesterday's incident and a pair of Atlanta-area undies discovered last Sunday in a bundle.

Jews To Celebrate Rosh Hashasha Or Something

JERUSALEM—Jews the world over are preparing to celebrate Rosh Hashanukah or something this weekend, the traditional Jewish holiday marking some sort of rebirth and new beginning, or maybe the Jews' liberation from some foreign ruler 55,000 years ago. "Rash Kishansha is a very holy time for the Jewish people," said Paul Castellano, a guy from Houston whose gastroenterologist is Jewish. "I think Dr. Futterman said it's the holiday where they light that chandelier and blow that horn." Lasting 12 days, Ran Hosea is followed by Yor Kiplach, the Festival of Sand, during which no buttered bread may be eaten in remembrance of the flooding of the ancient Temple of Hosea.

Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of state-of-the-art television advertisements.

Local Teen Slated to Masturbate Furiously

SALEM, IN—In a move designed to relieve several years of pent-up sexual frustration, area teen Jeremy Royce is slated for fever-pitched, white-hot masturbation later this evening.

MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

NEW YORK—With four years to go before 2000, MTV is already launching a campaign designed to ensure widespread Generation X participation in the decennial national census survey.

Philip Morris Under Fire

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Suburban Recycling Program Now Accepting Broken and Discarded Dreams

MINEOLA, NY—The Nassau County Department of Sanitation announced today that its recycling program will be expanded to include pickup and processing of the broken and discarded dreams of suburban Long Island residents.

"It's a breakthrough," said Chief of Sanitation Ronald Burris. "Our three-part program to reduce, reuse and recycle the dashed hopes of some 4.7 million upper middle-class Long Islanders will finally give us a sensible way to manage an ever-increasing overflow of crushing suburban disillusionment."

Under the new system, dreams that are outdated or unreachable must be broken down into manageable rectangles, bundled with twine and set out on the curb next to glass or aluminum.

Dreams that have been shattered into hundreds or thousands of small pieces must be tightly bagged and marked with special industrial orange "FAILURE" stickers in order to ensure the protection of sanitation workers.

Further, in order to ensure the proper and efficient recycling of faded dreams, the county is asking citizens to separate dreams into clearly marked bundles of family, career and personal.

Reactions from suburbanites have been mixed.

"I was a partner in a top Manhattan law firm," said Greg Masters, 46, of Great Neck. "But when my firm hired a young, hotshot Columbia law school grad who was willing to work twice my hours for half the pay, I was put out to pasture. Then my drinking started getting out of control, and my wife took the kids and left me. I'll be glad to see my wasted dreams put out on the curb next to the bottles."

Syosset resident Harvey Feldstone agreed. "I wanted to raise my son to be a doctor, but he wasn't interested. All the money spent on private tutoring and college prep courses was for nothing when he dropped out of high school and became a musician," Feldstone said. "At least now I feel like I'm doing my part to help the environment."

According to county officials, the new recycling program was developed in response to Long Island's badly overflowing White Middle Class Landfill of Despair. Since 1972, residents have dumped some 650 million tons of refuse into the landfill, including 230 million tons of empty promises and 100 million tons of false expectations.

Under the new program, though recycling of dreams will be mandatory, exceptions will be made for those who have nothing else to hold onto. Residents with no other coping mechanism in their lives—no extramarital affairs, no obsessive shopping habits—will be excused from the recycling program if they should so request.

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