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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Subway Releases Pool-Water-Soaked Sandwiches To Honor Michael Phelps' Retirement

MILFORD, CT—Subway officials announced Friday that for a limited time all sandwiches on their menu would be drenched in chlorinated pool water to celebrate the historic swimming career of U.S. Olympian Michael Phelps. "We thought the only way to honor Michael was to let his fans enjoy Subway sandwiches the way he eats them—completely sopping wet after swimming laps," said Subway president Fred DeLuca, adding that the water at all locations would be sourced locally from public pools. "Your heart is going to swell with American pride for Michael's amazing accomplishments every time you sink your teeth into a soggy Italian B.M.T. or a chlorine-flavored Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki." In recognition of Phelps' record 22 Olympic medals, DeLuca confirmed that the chain is only charging customers 22 cents for a second dunking of their sandwich in pool water.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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