adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Subway Releases Pool-Water-Soaked Sandwiches To Honor Michael Phelps' Retirement

MILFORD, CT—Subway officials announced Friday that for a limited time all sandwiches on their menu would be drenched in chlorinated pool water to celebrate the historic swimming career of U.S. Olympian Michael Phelps. "We thought the only way to honor Michael was to let his fans enjoy Subway sandwiches the way he eats them—completely sopping wet after swimming laps," said Subway president Fred DeLuca, adding that the water at all locations would be sourced locally from public pools. "Your heart is going to swell with American pride for Michael's amazing accomplishments every time you sink your teeth into a soggy Italian B.M.T. or a chlorine-flavored Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki." In recognition of Phelps' record 22 Olympic medals, DeLuca confirmed that the chain is only charging customers 22 cents for a second dunking of their sandwich in pool water.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close