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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Subway Releases Pool-Water-Soaked Sandwiches To Honor Michael Phelps' Retirement

MILFORD, CT—Subway officials announced Friday that for a limited time all sandwiches on their menu would be drenched in chlorinated pool water to celebrate the historic swimming career of U.S. Olympian Michael Phelps. "We thought the only way to honor Michael was to let his fans enjoy Subway sandwiches the way he eats them—completely sopping wet after swimming laps," said Subway president Fred DeLuca, adding that the water at all locations would be sourced locally from public pools. "Your heart is going to swell with American pride for Michael's amazing accomplishments every time you sink your teeth into a soggy Italian B.M.T. or a chlorine-flavored Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki." In recognition of Phelps' record 22 Olympic medals, DeLuca confirmed that the chain is only charging customers 22 cents for a second dunking of their sandwich in pool water.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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