Sudan Passes Campaign-Finance Reform

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Vol 35 Issue 11

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine. "I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning." The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork. "An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all." The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.

The Burger-King Grants Asylum

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful Burger-King. Once in-side, I prostrated myself before one of the senior diplomats, who donned a badge etched with the words "Dale—Crew Manager."

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!
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Sudan Passes Campaign-Finance Reform

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In what is being hailed as a major step toward making presidential contests more fair and equal, the Sudanese legislature approved sweeping campaign-finance reform Monday, passing a bill limiting all candidates to 500,000 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition.

Sen. Nyala Uwayi (L-Atbara) discusses the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act with reporters.

"It is not fair that certain individuals vying for the presidency should hold a large advantage over others," said Sen. Nyala Uwayi (L-Atbara), co-sponsor of the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act. "Why should I have a better shot at becoming president just because I have twice as many AK-47 Kalishnikov assault rifles as my opponent? In a fair system, everyone should have the same chance to seize power."

In addition to restricting ammunition, the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act sets strict caps on private contributions from desert warlords, limiting donations to three Light Anti-Tank Weapons or one Optical Wire-Guided Anti-Aircraft Missile per warlord. Under the new law, candidates who accept more than the allotted weaponry will be subject to fines and/or beheading.

The act also prohibits incumbents from courting influential lobbyists with special favors and gifts. This provision comes in response to last month's revelation that in 1996, president Lt. Gen. Omar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir accepted a T-72 Main Battle Tank from the powerful southern warlord Kafia al-Nahud in exchange for an overnight stay in the presidential harem. The tank would later play a key role in al-Bashir's successful defense against attacks from presidential challenger Talawdi Waw of the Sudanese People's Liberation Party.

"This sort of campaign-finance reform was long overdue here in the Sudan," Sen. Abache Bor (K-Nasir) said. "Obviously, it's important that a candidate be well-armed, but that shouldn't be the sole determining factor in a fight for public office. A presidential contest should be about more than who has the biggest war chest."

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