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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Sudan Passes Campaign-Finance Reform

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In what is being hailed as a major step toward making presidential contests more fair and equal, the Sudanese legislature approved sweeping campaign-finance reform Monday, passing a bill limiting all candidates to 500,000 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition.

Sen. Nyala Uwayi (L-Atbara) discusses the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act with reporters.

"It is not fair that certain individuals vying for the presidency should hold a large advantage over others," said Sen. Nyala Uwayi (L-Atbara), co-sponsor of the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act. "Why should I have a better shot at becoming president just because I have twice as many AK-47 Kalishnikov assault rifles as my opponent? In a fair system, everyone should have the same chance to seize power."

In addition to restricting ammunition, the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act sets strict caps on private contributions from desert warlords, limiting donations to three Light Anti-Tank Weapons or one Optical Wire-Guided Anti-Aircraft Missile per warlord. Under the new law, candidates who accept more than the allotted weaponry will be subject to fines and/or beheading.

The act also prohibits incumbents from courting influential lobbyists with special favors and gifts. This provision comes in response to last month's revelation that in 1996, president Lt. Gen. Omar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir accepted a T-72 Main Battle Tank from the powerful southern warlord Kafia al-Nahud in exchange for an overnight stay in the presidential harem. The tank would later play a key role in al-Bashir's successful defense against attacks from presidential challenger Talawdi Waw of the Sudanese People's Liberation Party.

"This sort of campaign-finance reform was long overdue here in the Sudan," Sen. Abache Bor (K-Nasir) said. "Obviously, it's important that a candidate be well-armed, but that shouldn't be the sole determining factor in a fight for public office. A presidential contest should be about more than who has the biggest war chest."

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TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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