Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Linked To Bad Parents Who Could Have Done Something

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the National Pediatric Association, a link exists between Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), the mysterious condition that results in the unexplained death of 1 in 500 U.S. infants each year, and bad parents who could have done something.


After conducting interviews with some 1,500 parents of SIDS victims, researchers discovered a connection between the tragic death of a seemingly healthy baby and the terrible people who had completely failed in their role as parents and caregivers.

"For years, the medical community did not know what causes SIDS, as no single factor appeared to be common to all cases," National Pediatric Association director Dr. Lucille Reese said. "But we have finally isolated a unique trait shared by all SIDS victims known as malis parentibus, or 'bad parents.' After all, these parents must have done something wrong. Why else would this have happened?"

The three-year study found that, not only could parents of SIDS victims have prevented the death of their children by not being such incompetent caregivers, they also failed to love their children enough in the weeks or months leading up to the infant's death.

"Three days before Derek left us I swore at him," said a tearful Helene Fordice of Butte, MT, who lost her son to SIDS Feb. 11. "My horrible words, 'Sweetie, for God's sake, hold still a second so mommy can change you,' will haunt me for the rest of my life."

According to Dr. Milton Kessel (left), horrible parents cause more than 200,000 SIDS deaths each year.

Fordice, one of the many parents who participated in the study, also reported that she had failed to let Derek know how important he was to her while she still had the chance.

"If I'd been a better mother, Derek would be alive today," Fordice said.

According to the study, the bad parenting that causes SIDS can take on many forms, including breastfeeding incorrectly, leaving the child unsupervised for 35 seconds, holding the baby too often or not enough, and failing to have the child baptized.

SIDS deaths have historically been difficult to accept by those in the medical profession due to the extremely young age of the victim and the many unanswered questions surrounding the syndrome. Despite the fact that SIDS is the single leading killer of infants, doctors have had little definite information to offer the public—until now.

"We've spent years searching for the cause of SIDS, examining such factors as maternal health and age, prenatal care, birth procedure and immunization history," said Dr. Ravi Harmuti, co-chair of the study. "But we'd never been able to tie all SIDS cases together until we pinpointed the unbelievable incompetence of the parents involved."

"Finally, we'll be able to give parents an explanation for the SIDS-related death of their child," said Dr. Milton Kessel, Director of Pediatric Medicine at Boston Lutheran Hospital. "From now on, whenever a bewildered, hysterical parent asks what happened, we can end their confusion and let them know that they are entirely to blame."

The National Pediatric Association findings are the result of groundbreaking new interview-based research methods. Instead of examining tissue samples, autopsy results and specific environmental factors, the study focused on testimonials given by grief-stricken parents who were asked to honestly assess how much they really wanted a child, anyway.

As a result of the study, the National Pediatric Association is embarking on a nationwide SIDS public-awareness program. It is hoped that the new "SIDS: It's All Your Fault" campaign will result in a sharp overall reduction in SIDS-related fatalities.

"Now that we know that bad parenting is the culprit, no infant need die of SIDS again," Reese said. "Except, of course, in those instances in which the SIDS death is God's way of punishing a parent for some past sin."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close