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Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

BOSTON–Mental-health professionals have long characterized attempted suicide as a desperate cry for help, the last-ditch plea of a wounded soul who, more than anything else, longs to live.

Depressed girl

Not so, according to a study released Monday by the National Psychiatric Association. NPA researchers say those who try to take their own lives are, in fact, crying out for the sweet release of death.

"People who want to live do not typically engage in such behaviors as wrist-slashing and carbon-monoxide inhalation," said Dr. Rachel Leibman-Wald, head of the NPA study. "To the contrary, this tends to be the behavior of individuals who long to depart this mortal coil and be enveloped in the warm, safe shroud of eternal rest."

"When one is in terrible pain, be it physical or emotional," Leibman-Wald continued, "the natural instinct is to end that pain, even if it means ending one's life. Sometimes, there is a viable alternative method of ending that pain other than suicide. Sometimes, there is not."

Conventional psychiatric wisdom holds that a suicide attempt is the brain's subconscious way of telling loved ones that an individual is in need of assistance. "It now appears, however," the NPA report read, "that in many cases, the attempted suicide is less a cry for help than simply a message from the brain to the body saying, 'Okay, time to die.'"

Because mental-health professionals' ability to provide the help such individuals are "asking for" is limited, and many patients are so mired in depression that they are beyond redemption anyway, many see in the study's findings a powerful argument for greater societal tolerance of suicidal behavior.

"We are finally learning that for some, suicide is not an attempt to get treatment, a step, if you will, on the road to healing," said noted psychotherapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "In a majority of cases, it is a step into painless oblivion where nothing can hurt you ever again."

In examining more than 2,500 case studies, NPA psychiatrists found that many suicidal patients did not fit the classic profile of someone desperately attempting to make his or her plight known to the outside world. Instead, in many cases, they simply represented horrible failures whose pitiful, ruined lives were unbearable.

"Many of these individuals were so pathetic," the report read, "that any decent person would have to agree that they would be better off dead. Why prolong their pain? What point would there be?"

With this in mind, NPA psychiatrists argued that it is not only erroneous to assume that those who attempt suicide need help, but it may actually be cruel.

"To deny someone suffering a shattered, miserable existence the simple escape offered by suicide is nothing short of inhumane," said Dr. Stanley Temple, one of the study's co-authors. "If you look at many of these nobodies, you'd be hard-pressed to argue that they would have even a slight chance of ever getting their lives into any semblance of a livable state. For these tortured, far-gone souls, it becomes more obvious each day that there is only one way out. Who are we as mental-health professionals to deny them this effective way out of their agony?"

Temple cited the case of Gregory Fryar, a 49-year-old Harwich, MA, man whose six failed marriages, dead-end job at a bread factory, lifelong addictions to alcohol and gambling, and two appearances on The Jenny Jones Show with various dysfunctional relatives led him to attempt suicide in March 1995. Misdiagnosed as a cry for help, the attempt led to years of hospitalization and counseling, which failed to improve his ugly, embarrassing existence.

"Had Fryar's physicians been more tolerant of his heartfelt and entirely justified longing for death, perhaps his agony would have ended five years ago," Temple said. "Instead, this poor excuse for a life continues to this day. Who are we truly helping by giving such patients the 'help' they neither asked for nor wanted, when they could have easily found peace if left to their own suicidal devices?"

Said Leibman-Wald: "There are lots of people out there who don't want to die, and for good reason: Their problems simply aren't bad enough. Let's focus on helping these people, people who have valid reasons to live, instead of wasting all this time and energy trying to help those who have very valid reasons to want to die."

Leibman-Wald said she hopes the study will help change public perceptions of suicide and usher in a more enlightened climate in which the needs of those who want to die are no longer ignored.

"Hopefully, someday, suicidal individuals' right to pursue their goal of death will be recognized and respected by the medical community," Leibman-Wald said. "Until then, we are all guilty of allowing these poor, pathetic bastards' misery to go on far too long."

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