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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Suicide Hotline Operator Sick Of Talking Down Jaguars Players

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Complaining that the phone was ringing off the hook, local suicide hotline operator Richard Bloomquist told reporters Monday that he’s sick and tired of fielding calls from depressed members of the Jacksonville Jaguars. “They just keep calling, one after the other, saying ‘I can’t make it another week,’ or ‘I don’t think I can keep going out there,’” said Bloomquist, adding that the hotline has begun hiring extra help specifically for Sunday nights to field the countless calls from distraught players and coaches. “The rule is never to lie to anybody, but how else am I supposed to tell these guys that everything will be okay? I mean, anybody can see there isn’t a glimmer of hope on that whole damn roster, but I can’t tell them that. We’d lose every one of them before they even hit their bye week.” At press time, paramedics had been called to the Jaguars practice facility after wide receiver Justin Blackmon reportedly found out he was under contract through 2015.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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