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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Suicide Hotline Operator Sick Of Talking Down Jaguars Players

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Complaining that the phone was ringing off the hook, local suicide hotline operator Richard Bloomquist told reporters Monday that he’s sick and tired of fielding calls from depressed members of the Jacksonville Jaguars. “They just keep calling, one after the other, saying ‘I can’t make it another week,’ or ‘I don’t think I can keep going out there,’” said Bloomquist, adding that the hotline has begun hiring extra help specifically for Sunday nights to field the countless calls from distraught players and coaches. “The rule is never to lie to anybody, but how else am I supposed to tell these guys that everything will be okay? I mean, anybody can see there isn’t a glimmer of hope on that whole damn roster, but I can’t tell them that. We’d lose every one of them before they even hit their bye week.” At press time, paramedics had been called to the Jaguars practice facility after wide receiver Justin Blackmon reportedly found out he was under contract through 2015.

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