Suicide Hotline Operator Sick Of Talking Down Jaguars Players

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Comedy

Suicide Hotline Operator Sick Of Talking Down Jaguars Players

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Complaining that the phone was ringing off the hook, local suicide hotline operator Richard Bloomquist told reporters Monday that he’s sick and tired of fielding calls from depressed members of the Jacksonville Jaguars. “They just keep calling, one after the other, saying ‘I can’t make it another week,’ or ‘I don’t think I can keep going out there,’” said Bloomquist, adding that the hotline has begun hiring extra help specifically for Sunday nights to field the countless calls from distraught players and coaches. “The rule is never to lie to anybody, but how else am I supposed to tell these guys that everything will be okay? I mean, anybody can see there isn’t a glimmer of hope on that whole damn roster, but I can’t tell them that. We’d lose every one of them before they even hit their bye week.” At press time, paramedics had been called to the Jaguars practice facility after wide receiver Justin Blackmon reportedly found out he was under contract through 2015.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More