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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

ABERDEEN, WA—Volunteers at the Helping Heart Crisis Hotline announced Tuesday that Candice Knoff, 25, is on the phone with her attention-starved ex-boyfriend Tony Hewitt again. "Tony always calls right after he runs into Candy on the street," said Jeanne Teal, one of Knoff's coworkers. "He spends an hour going on and on about how he's been so depressed ever since they broke up, even though it's been like a year. I can always tell it's him, because Candy'll be over there rolling her eyes the entire call." According to the other volunteers, Hewitt has called the hotline at least once a week for the past year, except in March and April when he was dating a waitress he met in Olympia.

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