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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Suicide Note Makes Convincing Case

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Though friends and family of Michael Swinton, 15, were initially devastasted upon hearing the news of his recent suicide, many agreed Thursday that the explanatory note he penned prior to his death made surprisingly compelling points supporting his decision to take his own life.

"At first, all I could think was what a tragedy it was that he'd thrown away his life like this," said Swinton's mother, Debra. "But I was ultimately swayed by the part in which he talked about how he no longer wanted to be an emotional burden on everyone, and how everything would be easier if he were gone. It's hard to argue with that kind of logic."

According to Swinton's father, Charles, burying a child is the worst thing for a parent to endure, but at least the note explained that he will no longer have to feel guilty when showering his younger, more athletic son with love and attention.

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