adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Suicide Note Makes Convincing Case

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Though friends and family of Michael Swinton, 15, were initially devastasted upon hearing the news of his recent suicide, many agreed Thursday that the explanatory note he penned prior to his death made surprisingly compelling points supporting his decision to take his own life.

"At first, all I could think was what a tragedy it was that he'd thrown away his life like this," said Swinton's mother, Debra. "But I was ultimately swayed by the part in which he talked about how he no longer wanted to be an emotional burden on everyone, and how everything would be easier if he were gone. It's hard to argue with that kind of logic."

According to Swinton's father, Charles, burying a child is the worst thing for a parent to endure, but at least the note explained that he will no longer have to feel guilty when showering his younger, more athletic son with love and attention.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close