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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Suicide Note Makes Convincing Case

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Though friends and family of Michael Swinton, 15, were initially devastasted upon hearing the news of his recent suicide, many agreed Thursday that the explanatory note he penned prior to his death made surprisingly compelling points supporting his decision to take his own life.

"At first, all I could think was what a tragedy it was that he'd thrown away his life like this," said Swinton's mother, Debra. "But I was ultimately swayed by the part in which he talked about how he no longer wanted to be an emotional burden on everyone, and how everything would be easier if he were gone. It's hard to argue with that kind of logic."

According to Swinton's father, Charles, burying a child is the worst thing for a parent to endure, but at least the note explained that he will no longer have to feel guilty when showering his younger, more athletic son with love and attention.

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