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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Suicide Note Surprisingly Upbeat

MIDLAND, NM—The suicide note area man Doug Smithfield wrote before leaping to his death from a bridge last week was remarkably upbeat in tone, family members of the recently deceased 38-year-old confirmed Monday. “Hey, guys, if you’re reading this right now, it means I decided to kill myself, but I just wanted to let you know that everything’s cool,” read the man’s surprisingly optimistic final message, which reportedly contained several exclamation points, a list of book and movie recommendations, and a heartfelt request for family and friends to go out and enjoy the nice spring weather. “Seriously, don’t freak out! I’m feeling really good about this, and you should, too. Okay, take care.” The note added that in case anyone was wondering, Smithfield chose to end his life because he felt extremely stifled by his father, but “that’s neither here nor there.”

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