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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Suicide Note Surprisingly Upbeat

MIDLAND, NM—The suicide note area man Doug Smithfield wrote before leaping to his death from a bridge last week was remarkably upbeat in tone, family members of the recently deceased 38-year-old confirmed Monday. “Hey, guys, if you’re reading this right now, it means I decided to kill myself, but I just wanted to let you know that everything’s cool,” read the man’s surprisingly optimistic final message, which reportedly contained several exclamation points, a list of book and movie recommendations, and a heartfelt request for family and friends to go out and enjoy the nice spring weather. “Seriously, don’t freak out! I’m feeling really good about this, and you should, too. Okay, take care.” The note added that in case anyone was wondering, Smithfield chose to end his life because he felt extremely stifled by his father, but “that’s neither here nor there.”

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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