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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Suicide Note Surprisingly Upbeat

MIDLAND, NM—The suicide note area man Doug Smithfield wrote before leaping to his death from a bridge last week was remarkably upbeat in tone, family members of the recently deceased 38-year-old confirmed Monday. “Hey, guys, if you’re reading this right now, it means I decided to kill myself, but I just wanted to let you know that everything’s cool,” read the man’s surprisingly optimistic final message, which reportedly contained several exclamation points, a list of book and movie recommendations, and a heartfelt request for family and friends to go out and enjoy the nice spring weather. “Seriously, don’t freak out! I’m feeling really good about this, and you should, too. Okay, take care.” The note added that in case anyone was wondering, Smithfield chose to end his life because he felt extremely stifled by his father, but “that’s neither here nor there.”

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