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Suicide Only Option For Local Man

CHAPEL HILL, NC—A blue-ribbon panel of leading psychotherapists, assembled to address growing concern about the unbelievably pathetic life of Kyle Lazlo, concluded Monday that suicide is the only viable option remaining for the longtime Chapel Hill loser.

Kyle Lazlo

"Lazlo is what we doctors refer to clinically as a 'complete fuck-up,'" said panel member Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "While we realize that, ordinarily, the role of the therapist in working with suicidal patients is to foster a sense of healing and hope, we cannot find a single legitimate reason why this fucking miserable little shit should prolong his agony one moment longer."

Wasserbaum said the panel's decision was based primarily on the fact that Lazlo has zero potential to ever become anything more than a total nobody.

"With no friends, co-workers, or even family members who have a shred of respect for him, we can only conclude that the suicidal feelings experienced by the chronically depressed Lazlo are a rational response to his profound, permanent unhappiness," Wasserbaum said.

Panel members said Lazlo's situation might be different if he had any value whatsoever, or if he had anything to offer the rest of humanity. They acknowledged, however, that this is simply not the case.

"It would be cruel to offer this fuckwad any sort of encouragement, as any hope we might instill in him would obviously be false and illusory," Dr. Irene Dunlap said. "The facts are clear: Nobody loves him, nobody respects him, and there is no reason for anybody to care about his sad fate in the slightest. He is clearly not worth even the tiniest bit of sympathy or pity."

"As a human being, Lazlo is beneath even the most basic levels of human dignity we normally afford others," she continued. "It would be better for everyone involved if he just blew his brains out immediately. If I were him, I know I would have terminated my useless, humiliating existence with extreme prejudice years ago."

Lazlo has yet to respond to the panel's recommendation. It is widely hoped, however, that he will give in and kill himself within the next few days.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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