adBlockCheck

Suicide Only Option For Local Man

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Suicide Only Option For Local Man

CHAPEL HILL, NC—A blue-ribbon panel of leading psychotherapists, assembled to address growing concern about the unbelievably pathetic life of Kyle Lazlo, concluded Monday that suicide is the only viable option remaining for the longtime Chapel Hill loser.

Kyle Lazlo

"Lazlo is what we doctors refer to clinically as a 'complete fuck-up,'" said panel member Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "While we realize that, ordinarily, the role of the therapist in working with suicidal patients is to foster a sense of healing and hope, we cannot find a single legitimate reason why this fucking miserable little shit should prolong his agony one moment longer."

Wasserbaum said the panel's decision was based primarily on the fact that Lazlo has zero potential to ever become anything more than a total nobody.

"With no friends, co-workers, or even family members who have a shred of respect for him, we can only conclude that the suicidal feelings experienced by the chronically depressed Lazlo are a rational response to his profound, permanent unhappiness," Wasserbaum said.

Panel members said Lazlo's situation might be different if he had any value whatsoever, or if he had anything to offer the rest of humanity. They acknowledged, however, that this is simply not the case.

"It would be cruel to offer this fuckwad any sort of encouragement, as any hope we might instill in him would obviously be false and illusory," Dr. Irene Dunlap said. "The facts are clear: Nobody loves him, nobody respects him, and there is no reason for anybody to care about his sad fate in the slightest. He is clearly not worth even the tiniest bit of sympathy or pity."

"As a human being, Lazlo is beneath even the most basic levels of human dignity we normally afford others," she continued. "It would be better for everyone involved if he just blew his brains out immediately. If I were him, I know I would have terminated my useless, humiliating existence with extreme prejudice years ago."

Lazlo has yet to respond to the panel's recommendation. It is widely hoped, however, that he will give in and kill himself within the next few days.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close