adBlockCheck

Suicide Only Option For Local Man

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Suicide Only Option For Local Man

CHAPEL HILL, NC—A blue-ribbon panel of leading psychotherapists, assembled to address growing concern about the unbelievably pathetic life of Kyle Lazlo, concluded Monday that suicide is the only viable option remaining for the longtime Chapel Hill loser.

Kyle Lazlo

"Lazlo is what we doctors refer to clinically as a 'complete fuck-up,'" said panel member Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "While we realize that, ordinarily, the role of the therapist in working with suicidal patients is to foster a sense of healing and hope, we cannot find a single legitimate reason why this fucking miserable little shit should prolong his agony one moment longer."

Wasserbaum said the panel's decision was based primarily on the fact that Lazlo has zero potential to ever become anything more than a total nobody.

"With no friends, co-workers, or even family members who have a shred of respect for him, we can only conclude that the suicidal feelings experienced by the chronically depressed Lazlo are a rational response to his profound, permanent unhappiness," Wasserbaum said.

Panel members said Lazlo's situation might be different if he had any value whatsoever, or if he had anything to offer the rest of humanity. They acknowledged, however, that this is simply not the case.

"It would be cruel to offer this fuckwad any sort of encouragement, as any hope we might instill in him would obviously be false and illusory," Dr. Irene Dunlap said. "The facts are clear: Nobody loves him, nobody respects him, and there is no reason for anybody to care about his sad fate in the slightest. He is clearly not worth even the tiniest bit of sympathy or pity."

"As a human being, Lazlo is beneath even the most basic levels of human dignity we normally afford others," she continued. "It would be better for everyone involved if he just blew his brains out immediately. If I were him, I know I would have terminated my useless, humiliating existence with extreme prejudice years ago."

Lazlo has yet to respond to the panel's recommendation. It is widely hoped, however, that he will give in and kill himself within the next few days.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close