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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Suicide Only Option For Local Man

CHAPEL HILL, NC—A blue-ribbon panel of leading psychotherapists, assembled to address growing concern about the unbelievably pathetic life of Kyle Lazlo, concluded Monday that suicide is the only viable option remaining for the longtime Chapel Hill loser.

Kyle Lazlo

"Lazlo is what we doctors refer to clinically as a 'complete fuck-up,'" said panel member Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "While we realize that, ordinarily, the role of the therapist in working with suicidal patients is to foster a sense of healing and hope, we cannot find a single legitimate reason why this fucking miserable little shit should prolong his agony one moment longer."

Wasserbaum said the panel's decision was based primarily on the fact that Lazlo has zero potential to ever become anything more than a total nobody.

"With no friends, co-workers, or even family members who have a shred of respect for him, we can only conclude that the suicidal feelings experienced by the chronically depressed Lazlo are a rational response to his profound, permanent unhappiness," Wasserbaum said.

Panel members said Lazlo's situation might be different if he had any value whatsoever, or if he had anything to offer the rest of humanity. They acknowledged, however, that this is simply not the case.

"It would be cruel to offer this fuckwad any sort of encouragement, as any hope we might instill in him would obviously be false and illusory," Dr. Irene Dunlap said. "The facts are clear: Nobody loves him, nobody respects him, and there is no reason for anybody to care about his sad fate in the slightest. He is clearly not worth even the tiniest bit of sympathy or pity."

"As a human being, Lazlo is beneath even the most basic levels of human dignity we normally afford others," she continued. "It would be better for everyone involved if he just blew his brains out immediately. If I were him, I know I would have terminated my useless, humiliating existence with extreme prejudice years ago."

Lazlo has yet to respond to the panel's recommendation. It is widely hoped, however, that he will give in and kill himself within the next few days.

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