Suicide Only Option For Local Man

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Vol 33 Issue 18

Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

WASHINGTON, DC–Esmerelda, the fluffy white Persian cat owned by evil genius Dr. Kronos, was subpoenaed Monday to testify regarding the alleged subterranean activities of Kronos. "The cat in question will be asked what she knows about Kronos' trafficking of plutonium across international borders, as well his construction of a massive undersea lair beneath the Pacific Ocean and the creation of an electro-pulse ray that can cause entire city populations to collapse of a seizure." In exchange for her testimony, Esmerelda will be granted full immunity, as well as a tin of Liverpool kippers served in a crystal goblet, precisely as she likes.

Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

CHICAGO–In a blunder being attributed to "clerical oversight," the Chicago ad agency of Meacham & Braun accidentally kept the résumé of recent University of Illinois graduate Chris DiMaio on file Monday. "We regret the inadvertent fulfillment of our promise to Mr. DiMaio to retain his résumé for future reference should a position that suits him become available at Meacham & Braun," said agency director Thomas Graydon. "As a result of this error, we are investigating our résumé-processing system and are confident that future résumés remitted to us, with the exception of those few that impress us, will be disposed of surreptitiously while we pacify the applicant with platitudes."

Motor Trend Car Of Year Stripped Of Title After Appearing As Hot Rod Centerfold

NEW YORK–Motor Trend magazine stripped the 1998 Chevrolet Corvette of its "Car Of The Year" title following the sportscar's appearance as Hot Rod magazine's June centerfold. "The Corvette has conducted itself in a manner unbecoming of a Motor Trend Car Of The Year," Motor Trend editor-in-chief Paul Brookman said, "and we can no longer in good conscience allow this automobile to represent the crown." Car Of The Year first runner-up, the 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix, will take the Corvette's place.

Senate Committee Links Child Poverty To Lack Of Child Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC–The Senate Select Committee On Child Poverty released a report Monday attributing the large number of American children living below the poverty line to a lack of child jobs. "If you want to know why 14 million children in this country are living in poverty, all you have to do is take a look at the U.S. child-unemployment rate–it currently stands at 99 percent," said committee chair Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS). "If we are to have any chance of fighting child hunger, illiteracy and illness, we need to get these kids back on their feet and working again."

Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?

Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

BROOKLYN, NY–For the ninth time in as many hours, the couple upstairs went at it yet again at 4 a.m. Tuesday, hammering away at one another in an impressive display of sexual stamina and tenacity, apartment-directly-below sources said.

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!
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Suicide Only Option For Local Man

CHAPEL HILL, NC—A blue-ribbon panel of leading psychotherapists, assembled to address growing concern about the unbelievably pathetic life of Kyle Lazlo, concluded Monday that suicide is the only viable option remaining for the longtime Chapel Hill loser.

Kyle Lazlo

"Lazlo is what we doctors refer to clinically as a 'complete fuck-up,'" said panel member Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "While we realize that, ordinarily, the role of the therapist in working with suicidal patients is to foster a sense of healing and hope, we cannot find a single legitimate reason why this fucking miserable little shit should prolong his agony one moment longer."

Wasserbaum said the panel's decision was based primarily on the fact that Lazlo has zero potential to ever become anything more than a total nobody.

"With no friends, co-workers, or even family members who have a shred of respect for him, we can only conclude that the suicidal feelings experienced by the chronically depressed Lazlo are a rational response to his profound, permanent unhappiness," Wasserbaum said.

Panel members said Lazlo's situation might be different if he had any value whatsoever, or if he had anything to offer the rest of humanity. They acknowledged, however, that this is simply not the case.

"It would be cruel to offer this fuckwad any sort of encouragement, as any hope we might instill in him would obviously be false and illusory," Dr. Irene Dunlap said. "The facts are clear: Nobody loves him, nobody respects him, and there is no reason for anybody to care about his sad fate in the slightest. He is clearly not worth even the tiniest bit of sympathy or pity."

"As a human being, Lazlo is beneath even the most basic levels of human dignity we normally afford others," she continued. "It would be better for everyone involved if he just blew his brains out immediately. If I were him, I know I would have terminated my useless, humiliating existence with extreme prejudice years ago."

Lazlo has yet to respond to the panel's recommendation. It is widely hoped, however, that he will give in and kill himself within the next few days.

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