Summer Slim-Down Tips

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Summer Slim-Down Tips

It's hard to believe, but in just a few short months, it'll be time to put on that dreaded bathing suit. Here are some tips to help you shed those winter pounds and look great on the beach all summer long.

  • Weight-loss is a serious issue, so don't be shy—get out that flensing knife and start cutting.
  • Remember: The more reduced-fat foods you eat, the more weight you lose. Eat dozens of Twinkie Lights each day.
  • Extreme stress and grief can cause weight loss. Encourage loved ones to succumb to cancer.
  • If you can't lose weight no matter how hard you try, don't worry—the world is full of perverts known as "Chubby Chasers" who are turned on by morbidly obese hogs such as yourself.
  • For a quickie loss of a couple of pounds, remember that the human body can function with only one kidney.
  • Ladies, don't fret if you can't lose those extra pounds. At least you'll probably have an absolutely gigantic set of tits.
  • For a slimmer appearance, try a Dr. Schliefmann's Health & Beauty Peerless Reinforced Corset.
  • If you still can't lose that gut, use your sense of fun to make yourself attractive. Paint eyes on your nipples and a red mouth on your belly button; put an enormous top hat over your head and arms; and thrust your belly in and out to the sounds of "The Colonel Bogey March."
  • Women with large thighs should wear a swimsuit covered by a skirt reading, "I'm Not Fat Under Here."
  • No one looks good in a size 30 swimsuit. Wear a size 8 no matter how much you weigh.
  • Purchase as many women's magazines as you can. Fixate on and develop an unhealthy obsession with the alluring, rail-thin cover models, judging your own body by the unattainable standards of these media-created icons. Become consumed by self-loathing and begin a self-destructive spiral of compulsive undereating.

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