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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Summer Slim-Down Tips

It's hard to believe, but in just a few short months, it'll be time to put on that dreaded bathing suit. Here are some tips to help you shed those winter pounds and look great on the beach all summer long.

  • Weight-loss is a serious issue, so don't be shy—get out that flensing knife and start cutting.
  • Remember: The more reduced-fat foods you eat, the more weight you lose. Eat dozens of Twinkie Lights each day.
  • Extreme stress and grief can cause weight loss. Encourage loved ones to succumb to cancer.
  • If you can't lose weight no matter how hard you try, don't worry—the world is full of perverts known as "Chubby Chasers" who are turned on by morbidly obese hogs such as yourself.
  • For a quickie loss of a couple of pounds, remember that the human body can function with only one kidney.
  • Ladies, don't fret if you can't lose those extra pounds. At least you'll probably have an absolutely gigantic set of tits.
  • For a slimmer appearance, try a Dr. Schliefmann's Health & Beauty Peerless Reinforced Corset.
  • If you still can't lose that gut, use your sense of fun to make yourself attractive. Paint eyes on your nipples and a red mouth on your belly button; put an enormous top hat over your head and arms; and thrust your belly in and out to the sounds of "The Colonel Bogey March."
  • Women with large thighs should wear a swimsuit covered by a skirt reading, "I'm Not Fat Under Here."
  • No one looks good in a size 30 swimsuit. Wear a size 8 no matter how much you weigh.
  • Purchase as many women's magazines as you can. Fixate on and develop an unhealthy obsession with the alluring, rail-thin cover models, judging your own body by the unattainable standards of these media-created icons. Become consumed by self-loathing and begin a self-destructive spiral of compulsive undereating.

More from this section

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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