Summer Slim-Down Tips

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
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Summer Slim-Down Tips

It's hard to believe, but in just a few short months, it'll be time to put on that dreaded bathing suit. Here are some tips to help you shed those winter pounds and look great on the beach all summer long.

  • Weight-loss is a serious issue, so don't be shy—get out that flensing knife and start cutting.
  • Remember: The more reduced-fat foods you eat, the more weight you lose. Eat dozens of Twinkie Lights each day.
  • Extreme stress and grief can cause weight loss. Encourage loved ones to succumb to cancer.
  • If you can't lose weight no matter how hard you try, don't worry—the world is full of perverts known as "Chubby Chasers" who are turned on by morbidly obese hogs such as yourself.
  • For a quickie loss of a couple of pounds, remember that the human body can function with only one kidney.
  • Ladies, don't fret if you can't lose those extra pounds. At least you'll probably have an absolutely gigantic set of tits.
  • For a slimmer appearance, try a Dr. Schliefmann's Health & Beauty Peerless Reinforced Corset.
  • If you still can't lose that gut, use your sense of fun to make yourself attractive. Paint eyes on your nipples and a red mouth on your belly button; put an enormous top hat over your head and arms; and thrust your belly in and out to the sounds of "The Colonel Bogey March."
  • Women with large thighs should wear a swimsuit covered by a skirt reading, "I'm Not Fat Under Here."
  • No one looks good in a size 30 swimsuit. Wear a size 8 no matter how much you weigh.
  • Purchase as many women's magazines as you can. Fixate on and develop an unhealthy obsession with the alluring, rail-thin cover models, judging your own body by the unattainable standards of these media-created icons. Become consumed by self-loathing and begin a self-destructive spiral of compulsive undereating.