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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Sun Myung Moon Funeral To Be All Weird, Sources Report

GAPYEONG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing the myriad bizarre religious customs practiced by the Unification Church, sources told reporters Monday that they expect the funeral of recently deceased founder Rev. Sun Myung Moon to be all weird and shit. “I mean, the guy said he was the messiah, so it’s definitely going to be super freaky,” said Tsuyoshi Hwang, 31, who further speculated that a bunch of different people in outlandish outfits would likely make speeches and then maybe do some kind of strange group dance. “There will probably be some big weird altar and people will probably chant like a bunch of nutjobs while they put him into the ground. And there will definitely be some crazy-ass hats and stuff. That’s basically a given.” At press time, sources confirmed the ceremony would probably involve a point when all 3 million members of the odd cult commit suicide in a really weird way.

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