Sun Safety Tips

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Vol 31 Issue 23

Doritos Good

WARNER ROBINS, GA—A five-year study released Monday by area resident Wayne "Bud" Junker revealed that Doritos-brand tortilla chips are, without question, good. "Whether original flavor, Cooler Ranch, or the zesty new 'Nacho Cheesier' variety, my exhaustive research indicates that Doritos are very good." To underscore the study's findings, Junker stuffed a fistful of Doritos into his mouth, exclaiming, "Mmm-mmm!" A 1995 couch-based study conducted by Junker concluded that Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey-flavor ice cream is delicious.

Jimmy Stewart: 'Please God, I Want To Live Again'

BEDFORD FALLS, NY—Legendary actor Jimmy Stewart, who died last week at age 89, begged God Monday for another chance at life. "Get me back! Get me back! I want to live again!" Stewart shouted from a snow-blown bridge. "Please God, let me live again!" Despite the impassioned plea, God decided not to permit Stewart to return to earth. His longtime guardian angel, Clarence, refused to comment, saying only, "I think I'll have another rum punch." Friends and family gathered at Stewart's home Tuesday to pay tribute, singing "Auld Lang Syne" and praising him as "the richest man in town." They denied rumors that God's decision was due to a 1929 sex scandal in which the beloved star was seen giving money to town tramp Violet Bick.

The Holy Woman Knoweth Well Her Place

To-day's sermon concerns Woman, a Vessel capable of both Holiness and Wickedness alike, but who all too often takes the latter Path, being as she is a Daughter of Eve, whose Envy, Ambition, and Weakness of the Flesh caused the Expulsion from Eden, and eternal Banishment from an Earthly Paradise for all of God's Children.
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Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan--but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

  • Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun
  • When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes
  • Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water
  • Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius
  • When tanning, always alternate who's on top
  • Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour
  • Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them
  • For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good
  • Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town
  • Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin
  • Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus
  • Coat body in "seagull-nip"; wait for protective coat of seagulls to cover body

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