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The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan--but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

  • Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun
  • When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes
  • Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water
  • Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius
  • When tanning, always alternate who's on top
  • Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour
  • Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them
  • For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good
  • Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town
  • Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin
  • Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus
  • Coat body in "seagull-nip"; wait for protective coat of seagulls to cover body

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