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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

  • Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass.
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
  • When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots.
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
  • Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water.
  • Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius.
  • When tanning, always alternate who's on top.
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
  • Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people.
  • Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them.
  • For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good.
  • Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town.
  • Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin.
  • Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.
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