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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

  • Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass.
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
  • When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots.
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
  • Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water.
  • Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius.
  • When tanning, always alternate who's on top.
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
  • Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people.
  • Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them.
  • For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good.
  • Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town.
  • Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin.
  • Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.

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