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How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

  • Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass.
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
  • When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots.
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
  • Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water.
  • Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius.
  • When tanning, always alternate who's on top.
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
  • Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people.
  • Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them.
  • For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good.
  • Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town.
  • Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin.
  • Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.