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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

  • Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass.
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
  • When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots.
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
  • Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water.
  • Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius.
  • When tanning, always alternate who's on top.
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
  • Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people.
  • Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them.
  • For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good.
  • Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town.
  • Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin.
  • Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.

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