Sun Safety Tips

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Vol 41 Issue 28

Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box in her home. "Dust is falling on the box as we speak," said Reid, struggling to complete a side panel for a pink cozy. "This is worse than the uncovered spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom last year." In the past, Reid has knitted coverings for such once-naked items as the TV Guide, radio and grandfather clock.

Area Man Killed In Committee

NEW YORK—K&L Advertising executive Nathan Lohaus was killed in committee Monday, his life voted down by an 11-3 margin at the 2 p.m. departmental meeting. "We threw Nathan out there and discussed him at length, but in the end we decided he just wasn't viable," K&L creative director Marcus Somers said. "We had a lot of really high hopes for Nathan, and we certainly tried to make him work, passing him back and forth and letting everybody take a stab at him, but in the end he just died on the table." Somers extended his "deepest regrets" to Lohaus' wife and children.

Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying'

TUCSON, AZ—A party is reportedly underway at 2614 Arcadia Ave., where homeowner Glen Schlatter and no one else is enjoying a six-pack of Olympia Beer. "Yeah, I'm just out here partying," Schlatter told a friend over the phone. "You oughta come down here and join in, it's a real good time." Schlatter, well-known for throwing extremely intimate affairs on weekends, is reportedly considering a whiskey purchase, which would enable him to elevate his partying status to "hearty."

Horoscope for the week of July 13, 2005

While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.

National Parks Under Siege

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems. What do you think?
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Comedy

Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

  • Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass.
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
  • When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots.
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
  • Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water.
  • Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius.
  • When tanning, always alternate who's on top.
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
  • Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people.
  • Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them.
  • For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good.
  • Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town.
  • Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin.
  • Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.
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