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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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‘Sunday NFL Countdown’ Crew Gives Some Dumb Fucking Demonstration On Fake Field

BRISTOL, CT—Sources confirmed this evening that ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown crew is currently giving some dumb fucking demonstration on a fake field in their studio. Initial reports indicate that Cris Carter and Keyshawn Johnson are taking off their jackets and lining up three goddamn feet away from each other as quarterback and wide receiver to explain how a corner route works, though it remains unclear as to how this is pertinent information for tonight’s game. Christ, now Mike Ditka’s coming over to line up as a linebacker or defensive end and pretending to pass-rush Carter in slow motion. Those close to the situation say everybody just froze mid-play so Carter could explain some bullshit about looking off the safety that isn’t even there. According to witnesses, Johnson just caught the ball that was barely flicked to him and is now dancing while Ditka mumbles some forced trash talk about sacking Carter if this had been a real game. At press time, the stupid segment still wasn’t over yet.

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