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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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‘Sunday NFL Countdown’ Crew Gives Some Dumb Fucking Demonstration On Fake Field

BRISTOL, CT—Sources confirmed this evening that ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown crew is currently giving some dumb fucking demonstration on a fake field in their studio. Initial reports indicate that Cris Carter and Keyshawn Johnson are taking off their jackets and lining up three goddamn feet away from each other as quarterback and wide receiver to explain how a corner route works, though it remains unclear as to how this is pertinent information for tonight’s game. Christ, now Mike Ditka’s coming over to line up as a linebacker or defensive end and pretending to pass-rush Carter in slow motion. Those close to the situation say everybody just froze mid-play so Carter could explain some bullshit about looking off the safety that isn’t even there. According to witnesses, Johnson just caught the ball that was barely flicked to him and is now dancing while Ditka mumbles some forced trash talk about sacking Carter if this had been a real game. At press time, the stupid segment still wasn’t over yet.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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