adBlockCheck

Super Bowl Blood Test Reveals Jim, John Harbaugh Have Different Fathers

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Super Bowl Blood Test Reveals Jim, John Harbaugh Have Different Fathers

NEW ORLEANS—In a stunning revelation, doctors announced at a press conference Thursday that mandatory Super Bowl blood testing proved that head coaches Jim and John Harbaugh do not share the same father. “The Paternity Index from our DNA profiling analysis shows conclusive evidence that Jack Harbaugh is John’s father, but Jim is in fact the product of a relationship between his mother and another man,” said Dr. Gabriel Hosea, adding that the identity of the man in question “will not be made public at this current juncture.” “I have already informed the Harbaughs, and while this was obviously shocking news to members of their family, we simply ask that you respect their privacy during this difficult time.” At press time, sources within the 49ers organization confirmed that Jim Harbaugh had just left New Orleans to seek out his real father.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close