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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Super Bowl Football To Be Slightly Bigger

TAMPA BAY, FL—In an equipment regulation change calculated to increase viewer interest in professional football's championship game, National Football League officials announced Monday that the footballs used in the Super Bowl would be somewhat bigger than their regular-season counterparts. "The length of the ball will be increased from 11 inches to 14, which will make the ball about a yard around at its widest point when inflated to the new pressure of 48 pounds per square inch," the NFL Rules Committee announced Monday. "We believe this will bring a new dimension to both the passing and running games. Good luck." In light of the new football size, coaches for both the Steelers and Cardinals are advising their players to wear gloves, carry the ball with both arms at all times, and lift with their legs and not their backs when recovering fumbles.

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