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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Packing away the turf, goalposts, and scoreboards into colorful wooden wagons, Super Bowl roustabouts dismantled MetLife Stadium Monday and left town in a convoy of 40 horse-drawn vehicles.

“There was great commotion when we first heard the Super Bowl was coming through—and what a thrilling spectacle it was!” said George Calley, noting that many local children skipped school and snuck down to see Roger Goodell’s Famous Super Bowl and its “Dazzling, Death-Defying Football Feats.” “Now there’s just an empty dirt lot full of peanut shells and beer cups, but I know no one will soon forget the acrobatic catches or the defensive linemen’s terrifying roars when they made their tackles.”

“Folks around these parts aren’t so much used to such excitement, I reckon,” added the New York City resident.

Arriving at the Meadowlands Fairgrounds, local residents showed up in droves reportedly hoping for one last glimpse of the “World’s Greatest Stars of the Gridiron” before the crew folded the main media tent and the Traveling Super Bowl Show pulled up stakes and left for good.

“I just loved all the vibrant costumes that they were wearing,” said New Jersey native Mary Thompson, who marveled at the “Stupendous Exhibition of Strong Men.” “It was so exciting. There were times I couldn’t help but cover my eyes.”

While they watched the Super Bowl train head out on the Western trail to its next destination in far-off Ari-Zona, local residents admitted that they were saddened to see all the Broncos and Seahawks forced into such small cages.

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