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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Packing away the turf, goalposts, and scoreboards into colorful wooden wagons, Super Bowl roustabouts dismantled MetLife Stadium Monday and left town in a convoy of 40 horse-drawn vehicles.

“There was great commotion when we first heard the Super Bowl was coming through—and what a thrilling spectacle it was!” said George Calley, noting that many local children skipped school and snuck down to see Roger Goodell’s Famous Super Bowl and its “Dazzling, Death-Defying Football Feats.” “Now there’s just an empty dirt lot full of peanut shells and beer cups, but I know no one will soon forget the acrobatic catches or the defensive linemen’s terrifying roars when they made their tackles.”

“Folks around these parts aren’t so much used to such excitement, I reckon,” added the New York City resident.

Arriving at the Meadowlands Fairgrounds, local residents showed up in droves reportedly hoping for one last glimpse of the “World’s Greatest Stars of the Gridiron” before the crew folded the main media tent and the Traveling Super Bowl Show pulled up stakes and left for good.

“I just loved all the vibrant costumes that they were wearing,” said New Jersey native Mary Thompson, who marveled at the “Stupendous Exhibition of Strong Men.” “It was so exciting. There were times I couldn’t help but cover my eyes.”

While they watched the Super Bowl train head out on the Western trail to its next destination in far-off Ari-Zona, local residents admitted that they were saddened to see all the Broncos and Seahawks forced into such small cages.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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