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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Packing away the turf, goalposts, and scoreboards into colorful wooden wagons, Super Bowl roustabouts dismantled MetLife Stadium Monday and left town in a convoy of 40 horse-drawn vehicles.

“There was great commotion when we first heard the Super Bowl was coming through—and what a thrilling spectacle it was!” said George Calley, noting that many local children skipped school and snuck down to see Roger Goodell’s Famous Super Bowl and its “Dazzling, Death-Defying Football Feats.” “Now there’s just an empty dirt lot full of peanut shells and beer cups, but I know no one will soon forget the acrobatic catches or the defensive linemen’s terrifying roars when they made their tackles.”

“Folks around these parts aren’t so much used to such excitement, I reckon,” added the New York City resident.

Arriving at the Meadowlands Fairgrounds, local residents showed up in droves reportedly hoping for one last glimpse of the “World’s Greatest Stars of the Gridiron” before the crew folded the main media tent and the Traveling Super Bowl Show pulled up stakes and left for good.

“I just loved all the vibrant costumes that they were wearing,” said New Jersey native Mary Thompson, who marveled at the “Stupendous Exhibition of Strong Men.” “It was so exciting. There were times I couldn’t help but cover my eyes.”

While they watched the Super Bowl train head out on the Western trail to its next destination in far-off Ari-Zona, local residents admitted that they were saddened to see all the Broncos and Seahawks forced into such small cages.

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