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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Super Bowl Party Host Screams At Guests For Lackluster First-Half Snacking

CHICAGO—Blasting the group’s “absolutely pathetic” first-half snacking effort, Super Bowl party host Glenn Warren reportedly flew into a wild rage Sunday, screaming at guests to start munching with some intensity. “Come on, we’re getting crushed out there—we only racked up 44 chips in the first half,” said Warren, who sources confirmed was angrily pacing up and down the living room. “I want to see four or five people swarming to the dip. On the last drive, not even one of you touched the damn guacamole. We need to make our presence felt and really hit that veggie platter. It’s crunch time.” At press time, Warren was frantically yelling at guests to jump on a loose cheese ball.

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