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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips

Jan. 28 is Super Sunday, a day for friends, food, and football. Here are some tips to help you score a "touchdown" with your Super Bowl party:

  • Set aside a special area of the living-room floor to throw chicken bones.

  • A complete and reverent silence should be maintained whenever Armen Keteyian speaks.
  • Before guests arrive, be sure to hide any copies of Harper's Weekly, The Atlantic Monthly, and The New Yorker you may have lying around.
  • Pre-soak all Doritos in Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • During commercial breaks, make non-stop sarcastic comments about the stupidity of Super Bowl ads. Rest assured, you'll be the first person in history to do so.
  • If you do not know how to watch football on TV, ask an experienced friend to help you through the hard parts.
  • The Super Bowl is the premier event of the entire sports year. Be sure to use the good chip bowl and your finest inflatable furniture.
  • Provide "dip," into which chips can be dipped.
  • If rooting for the Giants, openly question Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' role in the stabbing deaths of two men outside an Atlanta nightclub following last year's Super Bowl.
  • Do not wear a jersey featuring the name and number of an actual NFL player. Confused guests will wonder why a famous athlete is at the party, especially if that athlete is supposed to be playing in the Super Bowl.
  • Urinate in each corner of room to mark your territory prior to the arrival of other males.
  • At the end of the second quarter, switch over to the Lifetime Network for the Judith Light Halftime Spectacular.
  • Select the cars you're going to overturn beforehand, because you're going to be really drunk afterwards.
  • Leave nosehairs untrimmed for a minimum of three weeks before game.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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