Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips

Jan. 28 is Super Sunday, a day for friends, food, and football. Here are some tips to help you score a "touchdown" with your Super Bowl party:

  • Set aside a special area of the living-room floor to throw chicken bones.

  • A complete and reverent silence should be maintained whenever Armen Keteyian speaks.
  • Before guests arrive, be sure to hide any copies of Harper's Weekly, The Atlantic Monthly, and The New Yorker you may have lying around.
  • Pre-soak all Doritos in Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • During commercial breaks, make non-stop sarcastic comments about the stupidity of Super Bowl ads. Rest assured, you'll be the first person in history to do so.
  • If you do not know how to watch football on TV, ask an experienced friend to help you through the hard parts.
  • The Super Bowl is the premier event of the entire sports year. Be sure to use the good chip bowl and your finest inflatable furniture.
  • Provide "dip," into which chips can be dipped.
  • If rooting for the Giants, openly question Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' role in the stabbing deaths of two men outside an Atlanta nightclub following last year's Super Bowl.
  • Do not wear a jersey featuring the name and number of an actual NFL player. Confused guests will wonder why a famous athlete is at the party, especially if that athlete is supposed to be playing in the Super Bowl.
  • Urinate in each corner of room to mark your territory prior to the arrival of other males.
  • At the end of the second quarter, switch over to the Lifetime Network for the Judith Light Halftime Spectacular.
  • Select the cars you're going to overturn beforehand, because you're going to be really drunk afterwards.
  • Leave nosehairs untrimmed for a minimum of three weeks before game.


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