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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips

Jan. 28 is Super Sunday, a day for friends, food, and football. Here are some tips to help you score a "touchdown" with your Super Bowl party:

  • Set aside a special area of the living-room floor to throw chicken bones.

  • A complete and reverent silence should be maintained whenever Armen Keteyian speaks.
  • Before guests arrive, be sure to hide any copies of Harper's Weekly, The Atlantic Monthly, and The New Yorker you may have lying around.
  • Pre-soak all Doritos in Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • During commercial breaks, make non-stop sarcastic comments about the stupidity of Super Bowl ads. Rest assured, you'll be the first person in history to do so.
  • If you do not know how to watch football on TV, ask an experienced friend to help you through the hard parts.
  • The Super Bowl is the premier event of the entire sports year. Be sure to use the good chip bowl and your finest inflatable furniture.
  • Provide "dip," into which chips can be dipped.
  • If rooting for the Giants, openly question Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' role in the stabbing deaths of two men outside an Atlanta nightclub following last year's Super Bowl.
  • Do not wear a jersey featuring the name and number of an actual NFL player. Confused guests will wonder why a famous athlete is at the party, especially if that athlete is supposed to be playing in the Super Bowl.
  • Urinate in each corner of room to mark your territory prior to the arrival of other males.
  • At the end of the second quarter, switch over to the Lifetime Network for the Judith Light Halftime Spectacular.
  • Select the cars you're going to overturn beforehand, because you're going to be really drunk afterwards.
  • Leave nosehairs untrimmed for a minimum of three weeks before game.

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