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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Super Bowl Security Breached As Regular Football Fan Finds Way Into Stadium

ARLINGTON, TX—Security officials admitted Monday that 25-year-old Michael Thillens, a normal Packers fan with no connection to any corporate sponsor or multimillion-dollar Dallas business, somehow entered Cowboys Stadium and was able to watch his team play in the Super Bowl for two quarters Sunday before being apprehended. "First off, I don't know how an actual fan of one of these teams got a ticket to the game, but that's for another day," said security director Mel Janicki, who stressed that every year authorities do their very best to make sure sponsors, friends of sponsors, curious millionaires, high-level league employees, and celebrities are allowed to attend the Super Bowl in a safe and stable environment. "We should have been more suspicious when he entered the stadium wearing all that Green Bay apparel, but we get a lot of rich investors who bring their kids and buy a bunch of team clothing before the game just for the fun of it." Janicki said that Thillens gave himself away by being the only person in the stadium who cared about the game's outcome.

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