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Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses

Rookies Often Rattled By Pools Of Boiling Blood, Scything Blades, Psychosexual Hallucinations

ARLINGTON, TX—As the Super Bowl approaches, veterans returning to football's most high-pressure event have been doing their best to prepare their teammates for the mental stresses, unique physical demands, and quasi-supernatural nightmarish manifestations that only those who have played in the NFL's championship game before have experienced.

"There's really no way to describe it," said Steelers linebacker James Harrison, whose 100-yard Super Bowl XLIII interception return through clouds of whirling razors and past millions of grasping prehensile tongues to score a crucial touchdown is the longest play in the game's history. "The second you walk out for the national anthem, the crowd is roaring, there's more TV cameras than you've ever seen, the turf becomes an undulating field of red-hot pustulant nipples, there's the flyover… Until you've been there, you can't really know what it's like."

Added Harrison, "And during the second quarter, when you start having hallucinations of your teammates having sex with historical figures, well, nothing can prepare you for that."

Players with Super Bowl experience have been telling newcomers that, as soon as their planes touch down in Texas, they will enter a realm unlike any they have ever known. Charles Woodson, one of only two men on the Green Bay roster to have played in the title game, told reporters he will attempt to ensure the Packers are ready for everything from the first practice to the moment they run down the dimly lit throbbing pink tunnel to take the field.

According to Woodson, if rookies can get through the tunnel without the leeches vomiting blood on them, they will be off to a good start, but he said that's only a fraction of the panic they may face during the coin toss when the referee spontaneously bursts into flames and the two-headed coin begins arguing with itself.

"We just came through the NFC Championship against our biggest rivals, and these guys may think they're ready for what's coming," said Woodson, who had eight tackles and an interception in his first trip to the Super Bowl with the Raiders, but wound up watching the loss from the bench when a gash on his injured left big toe transmogrified into a lamprey-like mouth in the third quarter and attempted to eat his right foot. "But they haven't been there. They have no idea. The atmosphere is far more intense than anything they've ever seen."

"And I'm not just talking about the acid fog," Woodson added.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said he struggled during his first Super Bowl because, while he had heard that the game was like no other, and that moaning whispers would somehow infiltrate the earpiece inside his helmet, he had not realized they would be as horrifying as they were or would know so much about the unspeakable sins of his ancestors.

"That's the Super Bowl for you," Roethlisberger said. "It's certainly not just another football game with four 15 minute quarters and a halftime."

Players who have been to a Super Bowl agreed that no amount of preparation is ever enough to counter the overwhelming fan expectations or the sight of one's own flesh melting like candle wax and recasting itself into the horrifying shapes of monstrous boars and extradimensional lobsters.

"You wonder why it took me so long to get a ring?" said former Denver Broncos QB John Elway, who lost three times on the NFL's biggest stage before winning twice in Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII. "It wasn't just that the NFC was so much better in the 1980s. It's simply hard to perform after you've had microphones in your face all week, microphones that turn into moist blood-drinking penises when you look away for just a second and then become just microphones again when you look back."

The veterans are reportedly trying to convey the creeping tension as best they can. At one early meet-and-greet between the two teams, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu, a two-time Super Bowl veteran, attempted to give young Packer linebacker Clay Matthews some advice on dealing with the 24-hour onslaught of Media Week and the usual third-quarter inversion of the rules of sane reality.

"He just laughed and said that, yeah, he'd heard about the pits of suppurating human offal that erupt between the 40 yard lines, but weren't the field conditions bad for everybody?" Polamalu said. "And I was like, man. That was me in Super Bowl XL. But I learned. God help me, I learned."

While no two Super Bowls are alike in either the flow of the game or the way in which the rational world seems to become perverted, experience does seem to help those who make it back.

"My second Super Bowl was a lot better," Roethlisberger said. "You're never really quite used to it, of course. You can't be and still call yourself human. But in Super Bowl XLIII against the Cardinals, I tried to remember what the game was like the first time, so I wouldn't be overwhelmed. Sure enough, on the first snap of the game, the football turned into a woman's head that wrapped a thorny tongue around my wrist, where it began to dissolve my flesh, but it was all somehow…familiar."

Roethlisberger finished the game with a touchdown, completed 70 percent of his passes, and earned a respectable 93.2 quarterback rating. He said the jagged dark welt on his wrist only hurts when he wakes up from "certain dreams."

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