Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses

Top Headlines

Sports

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Food

Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses

Rookies Often Rattled By Pools Of Boiling Blood, Scything Blades, Psychosexual Hallucinations

ARLINGTON, TX—As the Super Bowl approaches, veterans returning to football's most high-pressure event have been doing their best to prepare their teammates for the mental stresses, unique physical demands, and quasi-supernatural nightmarish manifestations that only those who have played in the NFL's championship game before have experienced.

"There's really no way to describe it," said Steelers linebacker James Harrison, whose 100-yard Super Bowl XLIII interception return through clouds of whirling razors and past millions of grasping prehensile tongues to score a crucial touchdown is the longest play in the game's history. "The second you walk out for the national anthem, the crowd is roaring, there's more TV cameras than you've ever seen, the turf becomes an undulating field of red-hot pustulant nipples, there's the flyover… Until you've been there, you can't really know what it's like."

Added Harrison, "And during the second quarter, when you start having hallucinations of your teammates having sex with historical figures, well, nothing can prepare you for that."

Players with Super Bowl experience have been telling newcomers that, as soon as their planes touch down in Texas, they will enter a realm unlike any they have ever known. Charles Woodson, one of only two men on the Green Bay roster to have played in the title game, told reporters he will attempt to ensure the Packers are ready for everything from the first practice to the moment they run down the dimly lit throbbing pink tunnel to take the field.

According to Woodson, if rookies can get through the tunnel without the leeches vomiting blood on them, they will be off to a good start, but he said that's only a fraction of the panic they may face during the coin toss when the referee spontaneously bursts into flames and the two-headed coin begins arguing with itself.

"We just came through the NFC Championship against our biggest rivals, and these guys may think they're ready for what's coming," said Woodson, who had eight tackles and an interception in his first trip to the Super Bowl with the Raiders, but wound up watching the loss from the bench when a gash on his injured left big toe transmogrified into a lamprey-like mouth in the third quarter and attempted to eat his right foot. "But they haven't been there. They have no idea. The atmosphere is far more intense than anything they've ever seen."

"And I'm not just talking about the acid fog," Woodson added.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said he struggled during his first Super Bowl because, while he had heard that the game was like no other, and that moaning whispers would somehow infiltrate the earpiece inside his helmet, he had not realized they would be as horrifying as they were or would know so much about the unspeakable sins of his ancestors.

"That's the Super Bowl for you," Roethlisberger said. "It's certainly not just another football game with four 15 minute quarters and a halftime."

Players who have been to a Super Bowl agreed that no amount of preparation is ever enough to counter the overwhelming fan expectations or the sight of one's own flesh melting like candle wax and recasting itself into the horrifying shapes of monstrous boars and extradimensional lobsters.

"You wonder why it took me so long to get a ring?" said former Denver Broncos QB John Elway, who lost three times on the NFL's biggest stage before winning twice in Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII. "It wasn't just that the NFC was so much better in the 1980s. It's simply hard to perform after you've had microphones in your face all week, microphones that turn into moist blood-drinking penises when you look away for just a second and then become just microphones again when you look back."

The veterans are reportedly trying to convey the creeping tension as best they can. At one early meet-and-greet between the two teams, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu, a two-time Super Bowl veteran, attempted to give young Packer linebacker Clay Matthews some advice on dealing with the 24-hour onslaught of Media Week and the usual third-quarter inversion of the rules of sane reality.

"He just laughed and said that, yeah, he'd heard about the pits of suppurating human offal that erupt between the 40 yard lines, but weren't the field conditions bad for everybody?" Polamalu said. "And I was like, man. That was me in Super Bowl XL. But I learned. God help me, I learned."

While no two Super Bowls are alike in either the flow of the game or the way in which the rational world seems to become perverted, experience does seem to help those who make it back.

"My second Super Bowl was a lot better," Roethlisberger said. "You're never really quite used to it, of course. You can't be and still call yourself human. But in Super Bowl XLIII against the Cardinals, I tried to remember what the game was like the first time, so I wouldn't be overwhelmed. Sure enough, on the first snap of the game, the football turned into a woman's head that wrapped a thorny tongue around my wrist, where it began to dissolve my flesh, but it was all somehow…familiar."

Roethlisberger finished the game with a touchdown, completed 70 percent of his passes, and earned a respectable 93.2 quarterback rating. He said the jagged dark welt on his wrist only hurts when he wakes up from "certain dreams."

Next Story