Super Bowl XLIII Spontaneously Breaks Out On Media Day

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.

Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey

After winning her third straight bout in less than 40 seconds, UFC star Ronda Rousey has become the most dominant MMA fighter in the world and is truly living the dream of any incredibly violent person. Is she any good?

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Super Bowl XLIII Spontaneously Breaks Out On Media Day

TAMPA BAY, FL—In what started as a midfield photo opportunity between opposing team captains and ended as a hard-fought 60-minute competition to become the NFL champion, Super Bowl XLIII was suddenly and unexpectedly played Tuesday during media day at Tampa Bay's Raymond Jones Stadium.

Newly crowned world champion Arizona emerged victorious over the Steelers 24-21 in a tough impromptu defensive battle.

"Did we just win the Super Bowl?" asked an exhilarated and somewhat confused Kurt Warner, who played only three quarters after spending the game's first 15 minutes answering Deion Sanders' questions about his spiky hair. "And, if so, am I going to Disneyland?"

Super Bowl XLIII was originally scheduled to take place on Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 1.

"I think we just figured, 'Hey, the Cardinals are here, we're here, that weird guy from the Japanese media brought a football for some reason, so why not play the Super Bowl?'" Steelers running back Willie Parker said. "Believe me, both teams just wanted to get it over with, anyway."

"If it was up to me we would have played it last Sunday," added Parker, who never quite found his rhythm in what ended up being the most important game of the season.

According to sources, the game's impetus was reportedly a coincidental midfield meeting between team captains. Hines Ward and Karlos Dansby later confirmed, however, that at no point during the initial encounter did they have any intention of playing the Super Bowl.

After exchanging pleasantries, Steelers inside linebacker James Farrior removed a coin from his pocket and asked Arizona's Reggie Wells to call heads or tails—a move Farrior identified in the postgame conference as nothing more than a joke. However, NFL-appointed lead official Terry McAulay, who had dressed for the day in full referee attire for reasons that still remain unclear, rushed out to the 50-yard line to conduct the toss.

Steelers return man Santonio Holmes, noticing through the viewfinder of his personal camcorder that Cardinals kicker Neil Rackers was setting the ball up on a tee, sprinted to his own five yard line, shouting, "Hey, everybody, I think we're starting the Super Bowl."

"If Santonio is going to receive, we're going to block—it's just that simple," said Pittsburgh's Patrick Bailey, explaining why the Steelers special teams unit decided to rush the field. "I just said to myself, 'Come on. It's about fucking time we started this game.'"

After Holmes was tackled at his own 33 by a hard-hitting Aaron Francisco, Super Bowl XLIII was under way. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger took the field with his entire offense, head coach Mike Tomlin appeared already wearing his Motorola headset, and offensive coordinator Bruce Arians sprinted up to the press box in an effort to beat the play clock, which alert timekeepers had already started.

"I thought we might quit after the first quarter, but it ended in a 7-7 tie, so we figured we would just keep playing," winning Super Bowl coach Ken Whisenhunt said. "Also, we would get the ball to begin the second half, so continuing play was certainly to our advantage."

Other highlights from Super Bowl XLIII included a pregame flyover by US Airways flight 743 bound for Charlotte; the jubilant Cardinals hoisting up the first thing they could lay their hands on, sportscaster Bob Costas, instead of the Lombardi Trophy; and, because Bruce Springsteen was late for a 3:30 p.m. sound check, a halftime show consisting of various Max Weinberg drumbeats from "Born to Run," "Glory Days," and "Born in the USA."

No fans were in attendance to hold up the pieces of paper that would have formed two giant American flags in the east and west sections of the stadium.

"The game is never as good as people want it to be, anyway," Roethlisberger said. "So maybe it was better that it was played without all the TV cameras and everything."

Though league officials have yet to release a statement confirming whether another game will be played this Sunday, the NFL rulebook clearly states that a contest played between two Super Bowl teams constitutes a Super Bowl.

"No excuses," Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin said. "Sure, we didn't have pads until the second half, we were undermanned because some players had already gone back to the hotel, and Hines didn't have his knee taped properly, which probably led to his career-ending ACL injury. But we all played under the same conditions. Next time we'll just make sure we show up at media day ready to play."

"Damn it," Tomlin added. "It's just now hitting me that we lost the Super Bowl."