Super Priest Can Turn Anything Into Body, Blood Of Christ

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Super Priest Can Turn Anything Into Body, Blood Of Christ

TAOS, NM—Father Thomas Mandow appears to be a simple, mild-mannered parish priest, but his remarkable faith and surpassing holiness have bestowed him with the awesome power to transform just about anything into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. "I can state, without indulging myself in the sin of pride, that I have been blessed with the ability to convert anything into a Communion sacrament—which must be used for good—and then be partaken of in remembrance of our Lord and Savior," said Mandow in a press conference where he displayed a transubstantiated 24-piece bucket of chicken, a 64-oz. Mountain Dew bottle, and the September 2 issue of Sports Illustrated. "Although I would not advise eating all of these items for reasons having nothing to do with their intrinsic holiness." Mandow believes he received the dangerous gift of super-consecration after being bitten by a radioactive bishop.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close