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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Superstitious Baseball Player Always Steps Into Batter’s Box Before Swinging At Pitches

MILWAUKEE—While speaking to reporters prior to Saturday’s game against the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun admitted he consistently follows an elaborate, superstitious routine in which he always makes sure to step into the batter’s box before swinging at pitches. “I know it’s crazy, but I’ve just got to have my feet planted firmly in that box before I’ll even so much as look at a pitch,” said Braun, noting that his complex at-bat ritual also includes gripping his bat with both hands and making sure to face the pitcher at all times. “A lot of the guys make fun of me because I’m always tapping my bat on the plate to make sure I’m positioned correctly and putting most of my weight on my back leg before taking a hack, but, really, baseball players all have weird little quirks like that. Hey, whatever works, you know?” The superstitious ballplayer added that he also follows the game’s more traditionally observed practices, such as making sure to step directly on the foul lines when coming on or off the field and enthusiastically discussing a no-hitter in progress to make sure the pitcher is aware of it.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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