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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Superstitious John Lackey Has To Build, Destroy A Luxury Hotel Before Every Start

ANAHEIM, CA—Following John Lackey's most recent win, teammates on the Angels revealed that one of the superstitious starting pitcher's most prominent pre-game rituals is to design, construct, and demolish a luxury hotel before he takes the mound. "I can't even talk to him before a game because he's just so focused on installing the hotel's final brick, attending its ribbon-cutting ceremony, and then scanning its structural integrity for implosion points," said teammate Chone Figgins, who occasionally helps out by placing a call to his builder cousin for a good rate on poured concrete. "You can always tell [Lackey]'s going to have a bad start if he doesn't get the hotel up to code in time, or can't set off all the detonator charges in the right order before the game starts." When asked for an assessment of the hotels, Figgins said they were "pretty tacky."

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