adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Superstitious Man Puts Bag Of Trash Outside House Every Thursday

PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that his long-held superstition was a little bizarre, local man Colin Dowd told reporters this morning that he always makes sure to place a bag of trash outside his house every single Thursday. “I know it’s kind of odd, but for several years, I’ve had this complex ritual where I have to tightly tie up that week’s bag of garbage, carry it down the driveway, and put it at the exact same spot on the curb,” said the exceedingly superstitious man, adding that his peculiar routine also leads him to obsessively collect plastic, metal, and paper containers during the week, which he is then compelled to place in a separate blue container that he also brings out the same day. “It’s quirky, but gathering up my household refuse into a black trash bag—always a black one—is something I just have to do pretty much every week, except during the holidays. And if I’m out of town, I’ll always get a neighbor to go through with the ritual for me. I just have to. Sure, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s just the way I am, you know?” Dowd added that on those rare occasions when he forgets to observe his outlandish custom on Thursday, he frantically scrambles to do so early in the morning on Friday.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close