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Superstitious Man Puts Bag Of Trash Outside House Every Thursday

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
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Superstitious Man Puts Bag Of Trash Outside House Every Thursday

PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that his long-held superstition was a little bizarre, local man Colin Dowd told reporters this morning that he always makes sure to place a bag of trash outside his house every single Thursday. “I know it’s kind of odd, but for several years, I’ve had this complex ritual where I have to tightly tie up that week’s bag of garbage, carry it down the driveway, and put it at the exact same spot on the curb,” said the exceedingly superstitious man, adding that his peculiar routine also leads him to obsessively collect plastic, metal, and paper containers during the week, which he is then compelled to place in a separate blue container that he also brings out the same day. “It’s quirky, but gathering up my household refuse into a black trash bag—always a black one—is something I just have to do pretty much every week, except during the holidays. And if I’m out of town, I’ll always get a neighbor to go through with the ritual for me. I just have to. Sure, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s just the way I am, you know?” Dowd added that on those rare occasions when he forgets to observe his outlandish custom on Thursday, he frantically scrambles to do so early in the morning on Friday.

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