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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Superstitious Man Puts Bag Of Trash Outside House Every Thursday

PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that his long-held superstition was a little bizarre, local man Colin Dowd told reporters this morning that he always makes sure to place a bag of trash outside his house every single Thursday. “I know it’s kind of odd, but for several years, I’ve had this complex ritual where I have to tightly tie up that week’s bag of garbage, carry it down the driveway, and put it at the exact same spot on the curb,” said the exceedingly superstitious man, adding that his peculiar routine also leads him to obsessively collect plastic, metal, and paper containers during the week, which he is then compelled to place in a separate blue container that he also brings out the same day. “It’s quirky, but gathering up my household refuse into a black trash bag—always a black one—is something I just have to do pretty much every week, except during the holidays. And if I’m out of town, I’ll always get a neighbor to go through with the ritual for me. I just have to. Sure, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s just the way I am, you know?” Dowd added that on those rare occasions when he forgets to observe his outlandish custom on Thursday, he frantically scrambles to do so early in the morning on Friday.

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