After Birth

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Supportive Parents Encourage Child’s Interests In Anything Within 15-Minute Drive

SIMSBURY, CT—Saying they wanted their daughter to follow her passions, the parents of 8-year-old Kaylee Maxwell told reporters Monday that they strongly encourage all of her interests that are within a 15-minute drive. “We want Kaylee to pursue what makes her happy, whether that’s music, dance, rock climbing, martial arts—as long as it’s the taekwondo place by the mall, and not karate, which is in Farmington—whatever her heart desires,” said Kaylee’s mother, Jennifer Maxwell, adding that she would gladly take her daughter to any necessary meetings or practices that happened to be located on her drive to work. “Anything in the world that’s eight, maybe nine miles away that expands her horizons is definitely something we want to support. And if it’s something that she can do with one of her friends in the neighborhood whose parents are willing to carpool, all the better.” The Maxwells admitted, however, that they were actively discouraging their daughter from a small handful of potentially dangerous extracurriculars, such as mountain biking, snowboarding, and similar activities for which they’d have to constantly fold down the backseat to accommodate equipment.

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