After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Supportive Parents Encourage Child’s Interests In Anything Within 15-Minute Drive

SIMSBURY, CT—Saying they wanted their daughter to follow her passions, the parents of 8-year-old Kaylee Maxwell told reporters Monday that they strongly encourage all of her interests that are within a 15-minute drive. “We want Kaylee to pursue what makes her happy, whether that’s music, dance, rock climbing, martial arts—as long as it’s the taekwondo place by the mall, and not karate, which is in Farmington—whatever her heart desires,” said Kaylee’s mother, Jennifer Maxwell, adding that she would gladly take her daughter to any necessary meetings or practices that happened to be located on her drive to work. “Anything in the world that’s eight, maybe nine miles away that expands her horizons is definitely something we want to support. And if it’s something that she can do with one of her friends in the neighborhood whose parents are willing to carpool, all the better.” The Maxwells admitted, however, that they were actively discouraging their daughter from a small handful of potentially dangerous extracurriculars, such as mountain biking, snowboarding, and similar activities for which they’d have to constantly fold down the backseat to accommodate equipment.

After Birth

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