Supreme Court Allows Corporations To Run For Political Office

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Vol 46 Issue 05

Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race.

Phil Mickelson

Due to the vagaries of current events, Phil Mickelson is currently the best golfer on the PGA tour. Is he any good?

Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame

ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Supreme Court Allows Corporations To Run For Political Office

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision that overturned decades of legal precedent, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 Tuesday to remove all restrictions that had previously barred corporations from holding public office. "This is an unfair, ill-advised, and tragic mistake," Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) said before boarding a flight to Arizona in response to primary poll numbers that show him trailing the Phoenix-based company PetSmart by a double-digit margin. "Despite the deep discounts and exciting promotions that they may be able to offer, these huge, soulless entities are not capable of truly serving the American people's—or their pet's—needs." Corporate attack ads have already begun to hit the airwaves in New York, where a new Pepsi commercial set to a catchy modern remix of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'" blasts incumbent governor David Paterson as "unrefreshing" and urges New Yorkers to "taste the choice of a new generation this Nov. 2."

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