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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man

WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court cock-blocked Des Moines, IA, bar patron Jon Carmody Friday, severely curtailing his power to score with fellow bar-goer Megan Navarre. "Carmody's right to put the moves on Navarre does not and cannot be construed to supersede this court's right to hit on her, too," Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in the majority opinion. "That Carmody scored last weekend with that blonde girl at P.J.'s serves to illustrate that he's had enough for now. We will preclude the shit out of that tool getting any from Navarre."

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