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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed

The nine Supreme Court justices, all cozy and warm in their big bed.
The nine Supreme Court justices, all cozy and warm in their big bed.

WASHINGTON—As night settled over the nation’s capital Wednesday and a bright, full moon hung amid the twinkling stars and cast long shadows over the National Mall, all nine Supreme Court justices could be overheard drowsily bidding one another good night before drifting off to sleep in their giant shared bed.

With the approach of their 9:30 p.m. bedtime, the justices, tired from a long, hard day of judicial proceedings, drank big glasses of warm milk, put on their matching black single-piece pajamas and floppy nightcaps, crawled into their big, comfy bed, and prepared to get a good night’s rest.

“Good night, John! Good night, Ruth! Good night, Samuel!” a very sleepy Justice Antonin Scalia said as he let out a big yawn and curled up between Justices Stephen Breyer and Elena Kagan. “You too, Sonia! Sleep tight, everyone.”

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite!” added Scalia, before drawing in a breath to blow out the big candle sitting on the nightstand.

With a blindfolded Lady Justice night-light dimly illuminating the room and 18 slippers lined up at the foot of the bed, the Supreme Court’s bailiff kissed each of the nine jurists on the forehead and peered back at them while leaving the door slightly cracked in case Justice Anthony Kennedy had another bad dream.

According to sources, most of the group was asleep by 10 p.m., including Chief Justice Roberts, who, seconds after finishing his prayers, had reportedly hit his pillow and conked right out.

Justice Scalia blows out the big candle before snuggling into bed with the rest of the nation’s highest court.

“I can’t sleep. I’m still hungry!” said Justice Samuel Alito, popping up from between his dozing peers. “Psst…are you still awake, Anthony? Will you read me the court’s unanimous opinion from Marbury v. Madison to help me fall asleep?”

“Again?” Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg asked from the other side of the bed, speaking in hushed tones so as not to wake Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “You’ve had someone read that one to you every night this week, already! You better go to bed or you’ll be all tired tomorrow.”

When the court clerks came to check in on the justices later that night, it was confirmed that all members lay peacefully in the bed clutching their gavels, with nary a peep to be heard apart from Justice Clarence Thomas occasionally calling, between gentle snores, for Roe v. Wade to be struck down.

At one point during the night, Justice Breyer was seen shivering at the edge of the bed, but when a clerk covered him up with the large scales-of-justice-patterned quilt that had slipped from the 73-year-old’s goose-pimpled body, he was soon whisked back to dreamland.

“They’re such angels when they’re sleeping,” said Supreme Court fellow David Fitzsimmons, gazing in through the doorway as the nine justices gently slumbered away. “Just so peaceful and sweet, the dears.”

Added Fitzsimmons, “Quiet, now, you don’t want to wake them!”

According to sources, as the bright morning sun rose over Washington, the justices woke up, stretched, rubbed their eyes, and rendered a politically charged and highly controversial 5-4 ruling on an affirmative action case.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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