Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia

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Vol 49 Issue 26

Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students

ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not ...

Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools

Under the government’s new “Smart Snacks in Schools” guidelines, schools will no longer be allowed to stock vending machines or snack bars with treats exceeding 200 calories or those including trans fats.

Magic Skateboard

PBS 3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT In this spinoff of The Magic School Bus, Mrs. Frizzle and her class hop on the magic skateboard and try to land a 360 varial inside the principal’s small intestine.

Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation’s illegal immigrants, though the bill faces strong opposition from House Republic...
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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia

WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the U.S. Supreme Court opted today to leave the ultimate decision on whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry in the more than capable hands of states such as Texas, Alabama, and Georgia. “As to the issue of gay marriage itself, we will not interfere with the individual commonwealth’s authority to fairly and competently dictate its own laws in these matters, seeing as states such as, for instance, Georgia have time and again proven themselves eminently adept at making the fairest and most reasoned of decisions,” said Chief Justice John Roberts of the state where sodomy laws were fiercely enforced until federally overturned in 2003. “Though the court’s ruling will delay the recognition of gay marriage on a state-by-state basis, the nation’s homosexuals should rest easy knowing that their freedoms and right to the pursuit of happiness lie within the famously rational and egalitarian legislatures of states such as Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Florida, Montana, Utah, and West Virginia.” Roberts added that “who better” to have final authority on signing equal rights legislation into law than the likes of Jan Brewer, Rick Perry, and Scott Walker.

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