Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia

Top Headlines

Recent News

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Partying

Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia

WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the U.S. Supreme Court opted today to leave the ultimate decision on whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry in the more than capable hands of states such as Texas, Alabama, and Georgia. “As to the issue of gay marriage itself, we will not interfere with the individual commonwealth’s authority to fairly and competently dictate its own laws in these matters, seeing as states such as, for instance, Georgia have time and again proven themselves eminently adept at making the fairest and most reasoned of decisions,” said Chief Justice John Roberts of the state where sodomy laws were fiercely enforced until federally overturned in 2003. “Though the court’s ruling will delay the recognition of gay marriage on a state-by-state basis, the nation’s homosexuals should rest easy knowing that their freedoms and right to the pursuit of happiness lie within the famously rational and egalitarian legislatures of states such as Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Florida, Montana, Utah, and West Virginia.” Roberts added that “who better” to have final authority on signing equal rights legislation into law than the likes of Jan Brewer, Rick Perry, and Scott Walker.

Next Story