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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark reversal of a 19-year-old automobile, the Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, effectively ending the car's longstanding upright, "wheels on the ground" position.

D.C. police officials examine the automobile overturned by the nation’s highest court Sunday.

The reversal, which has affected the lives of an estimated 400 motorists on D.C.'s Wisconsin Avenue, was overturned by the nation's highest judicial body at approximately 9 p.m., in what legal experts described as a "strong show of support" for the Washington Redskins' 38-28 victory over the NFC East rival Arizona Cardinals.

Said Justice David Souter, who wrote the majority opinion in the case and played a key role in the car's reversal, lifting the back right tire off the ground: "Whoo! 'Skins rule, motherfuckers!"

Members of the Supreme Court with President Clinton in a 1996 file photo.

Added Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: "All the way, baby."

Judicial experts agree that the reversal represents the most significant Supreme Court overturning of a motorized vehicle since its controversial 1994 decision to strike down a Yamaha motorcycle during a spring-break binge-drinking free-for-all at Freaknik '94 in Atlanta. Most observers attributed that decision to the presence of a crowd of inebriated African-American college students cheering the justices on, as well as the blaring of rap group Wreckx 'N' Effect's "Rump Shaker."

"By turning this Ford Pinto upside-down in the middle of the street, the Supreme Court has made a clear statement that, as far as the U.S. judicial system is concerned, the Redskins are without question the greatest team ever and cannot be stopped," said Georgetown University law professor Edwin Burber.

The court is set to rule Thursday on whether or not beer bongs are awesome.

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