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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark reversal of a 19-year-old automobile, the Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, effectively ending the car's longstanding upright, "wheels on the ground" position.

D.C. police officials examine the automobile overturned by the nation’s highest court Sunday.

The reversal, which has affected the lives of an estimated 400 motorists on D.C.'s Wisconsin Avenue, was overturned by the nation's highest judicial body at approximately 9 p.m., in what legal experts described as a "strong show of support" for the Washington Redskins' 38-28 victory over the NFC East rival Arizona Cardinals.

Said Justice David Souter, who wrote the majority opinion in the case and played a key role in the car's reversal, lifting the back right tire off the ground: "Whoo! 'Skins rule, motherfuckers!"

Members of the Supreme Court with President Clinton in a 1996 file photo.

Added Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: "All the way, baby."

Judicial experts agree that the reversal represents the most significant Supreme Court overturning of a motorized vehicle since its controversial 1994 decision to strike down a Yamaha motorcycle during a spring-break binge-drinking free-for-all at Freaknik '94 in Atlanta. Most observers attributed that decision to the presence of a crowd of inebriated African-American college students cheering the justices on, as well as the blaring of rap group Wreckx 'N' Effect's "Rump Shaker."

"By turning this Ford Pinto upside-down in the middle of the street, the Supreme Court has made a clear statement that, as far as the U.S. judicial system is concerned, the Redskins are without question the greatest team ever and cannot be stopped," said Georgetown University law professor Edwin Burber.

The court is set to rule Thursday on whether or not beer bongs are awesome.

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