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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark reversal of a 19-year-old automobile, the Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, effectively ending the car's longstanding upright, "wheels on the ground" position.

D.C. police officials examine the automobile overturned by the nation’s highest court Sunday.

The reversal, which has affected the lives of an estimated 400 motorists on D.C.'s Wisconsin Avenue, was overturned by the nation's highest judicial body at approximately 9 p.m., in what legal experts described as a "strong show of support" for the Washington Redskins' 38-28 victory over the NFC East rival Arizona Cardinals.

Said Justice David Souter, who wrote the majority opinion in the case and played a key role in the car's reversal, lifting the back right tire off the ground: "Whoo! 'Skins rule, motherfuckers!"

Members of the Supreme Court with President Clinton in a 1996 file photo.

Added Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: "All the way, baby."

Judicial experts agree that the reversal represents the most significant Supreme Court overturning of a motorized vehicle since its controversial 1994 decision to strike down a Yamaha motorcycle during a spring-break binge-drinking free-for-all at Freaknik '94 in Atlanta. Most observers attributed that decision to the presence of a crowd of inebriated African-American college students cheering the justices on, as well as the blaring of rap group Wreckx 'N' Effect's "Rump Shaker."

"By turning this Ford Pinto upside-down in the middle of the street, the Supreme Court has made a clear statement that, as far as the U.S. judicial system is concerned, the Redskins are without question the greatest team ever and cannot be stopped," said Georgetown University law professor Edwin Burber.

The court is set to rule Thursday on whether or not beer bongs are awesome.

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