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Best of June 2015

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

CHARLESTON, SC—In the hours following a violent rampage in downtown Charleston in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.

Beefy Little Boy On Boogie Board Misses Fourth Wave In A Row

GARDEN CITY, SC—Struggling to propel his husky frame through the water with the correct momentum and timing needed to be carried toward shore, a beefy little boy on a boogie board at Garden City Beach reportedly missed his fourth wave in a row Monday afternoon.

Report: San Francisco To Shut Doors Over Rising Rent

Popular Bay Area City Seeking New Location

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that staying in its current location was no longer feasible, sources across San Francisco confirmed Thursday that the popular Northern California city would be shutting its doors at the end of the month due to rising rent.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.
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Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Most Buck-Wild Pride Parade Nation’s Ever Seen

WASHINGTON—Following decades of debate over the constitutional right to same-sex marriage, the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5-4 ruling in favor of the most buck-wild, balls-to-the-wall gay pride parade this country has ever seen. “After reviewing the constitutional underpinnings of this case, the court finds that it is discriminatory for states to deny the right to the most out-of-control, bonkers gay pride parade that anyone could possibly imagine,” Justice Anthony M. Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion, which outlined at length the elaborate floats, billowing rainbow flags, and phalanxes of outlandishly dressed participants, barely scratching the surface of how completely bananas things are about to get. “This decision confirms what should be obvious: The government cannot prevent a nonstop bacchanal surging through the streets of every American city. We’re talking half-naked lesbians covered in body paint, rollerblading homosexuals in brightly colored Native American headdresses and sparkling gold briefs, as well as hundreds of thousands of supporters losing their fucking minds while ‘I Will Survive’ blares at 150 decibels. This is going to be an absolute shit show.” The Supreme Court’s landmark decision was reportedly appended by a concurring opinion authored by Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor in which she agreed that the right to “an uninterrupted three-day batshit insane rager” was mandated by the U.S. Constitution.


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