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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local diner Phyllis Montague simply must try the cheesecake at the D.C.-area eatery Afternoon Delight.

The cheesecake in question.

Writing the majority opinion in the case, Justice Antonin Scalia noted: "In light of the cheesecake's flavorful ingredients, the three scrumptious fruit toppings offered, and Afternoon Delight's strict 'made fresh daily' policy, the court finds it wholly inappropriate for Phyllis Montague to refuse this phenomenal cheesecake. She simply must try a piece."

The Supreme Court

On Oct. 11, 1997, the 34-year-old Montague dined at Afternoon Delight with a friend. Despite the friend's repeated urgings, Montague refused to sample the delectable cheesecake, citing extreme fullness, as well as "weight-watching" considerations.

Legal expert James J. Hall of Yale University is not surprised by the court's verdict. "As per the precedent set in Hutchinson v. Triple-Fudge Brownie Sundae (1993), when a dessert item achieves a certain level of sinfulness, a diner loses his or her legal right to refuse," Hall said. "The court found that this particular cheesecake is clearly sumptuous and must be tried regardless of a particular diner's satiety or 'on a diet' status. As someone who has tasted this cheesecake, I must say that I fully agree."

If Montague persists in her refusal to sample the dessert, the nation's highest court reserves the right to hold a forkful of the cake in her face, exhorting her to "come on, just try one bite."

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