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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local diner Phyllis Montague simply must try the cheesecake at the D.C.-area eatery Afternoon Delight.

The cheesecake in question.

Writing the majority opinion in the case, Justice Antonin Scalia noted: "In light of the cheesecake's flavorful ingredients, the three scrumptious fruit toppings offered, and Afternoon Delight's strict 'made fresh daily' policy, the court finds it wholly inappropriate for Phyllis Montague to refuse this phenomenal cheesecake. She simply must try a piece."

The Supreme Court

On Oct. 11, 1997, the 34-year-old Montague dined at Afternoon Delight with a friend. Despite the friend's repeated urgings, Montague refused to sample the delectable cheesecake, citing extreme fullness, as well as "weight-watching" considerations.

Legal expert James J. Hall of Yale University is not surprised by the court's verdict. "As per the precedent set in Hutchinson v. Triple-Fudge Brownie Sundae (1993), when a dessert item achieves a certain level of sinfulness, a diner loses his or her legal right to refuse," Hall said. "The court found that this particular cheesecake is clearly sumptuous and must be tried regardless of a particular diner's satiety or 'on a diet' status. As someone who has tasted this cheesecake, I must say that I fully agree."

If Montague persists in her refusal to sample the dessert, the nation's highest court reserves the right to hold a forkful of the cake in her face, exhorting her to "come on, just try one bite."

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