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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local diner Phyllis Montague simply must try the cheesecake at the D.C.-area eatery Afternoon Delight.

The cheesecake in question.

Writing the majority opinion in the case, Justice Antonin Scalia noted: "In light of the cheesecake's flavorful ingredients, the three scrumptious fruit toppings offered, and Afternoon Delight's strict 'made fresh daily' policy, the court finds it wholly inappropriate for Phyllis Montague to refuse this phenomenal cheesecake. She simply must try a piece."

The Supreme Court

On Oct. 11, 1997, the 34-year-old Montague dined at Afternoon Delight with a friend. Despite the friend's repeated urgings, Montague refused to sample the delectable cheesecake, citing extreme fullness, as well as "weight-watching" considerations.

Legal expert James J. Hall of Yale University is not surprised by the court's verdict. "As per the precedent set in Hutchinson v. Triple-Fudge Brownie Sundae (1993), when a dessert item achieves a certain level of sinfulness, a diner loses his or her legal right to refuse," Hall said. "The court found that this particular cheesecake is clearly sumptuous and must be tried regardless of a particular diner's satiety or 'on a diet' status. As someone who has tasted this cheesecake, I must say that I fully agree."

If Montague persists in her refusal to sample the dessert, the nation's highest court reserves the right to hold a forkful of the cake in her face, exhorting her to "come on, just try one bite."

More from this section

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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