Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

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Vol 33 Issue 14

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MARIETTA, GA—Responding swiftly to "a severe lawncare crisis" in the Southern U.S., a division of U.N. peacekeepers was pulled from Bosnia and deployed to media mogul Ted Turner's estate for emergency groundskeeping Monday. "The deteriorating condition of Mr. Turner's lawn represents a major international crisis that demands immediate attention," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. If the troops complete their mission early, they will receive several days' furlough before being assigned to domestic duty within Turner's mansion.

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Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local diner Phyllis Montague simply must try the cheesecake at the D.C.-area eatery Afternoon Delight.

The cheesecake in question.

Writing the majority opinion in the case, Justice Antonin Scalia noted: "In light of the cheesecake's flavorful ingredients, the three scrumptious fruit toppings offered, and Afternoon Delight's strict 'made fresh daily' policy, the court finds it wholly inappropriate for Phyllis Montague to refuse this phenomenal cheesecake. She simply must try a piece."

The Supreme Court

On Oct. 11, 1997, the 34-year-old Montague dined at Afternoon Delight with a friend. Despite the friend's repeated urgings, Montague refused to sample the delectable cheesecake, citing extreme fullness, as well as "weight-watching" considerations.

Legal expert James J. Hall of Yale University is not surprised by the court's verdict. "As per the precedent set in Hutchinson v. Triple-Fudge Brownie Sundae (1993), when a dessert item achieves a certain level of sinfulness, a diner loses his or her legal right to refuse," Hall said. "The court found that this particular cheesecake is clearly sumptuous and must be tried regardless of a particular diner's satiety or 'on a diet' status. As someone who has tasted this cheesecake, I must say that I fully agree."

If Montague persists in her refusal to sample the dessert, the nation's highest court reserves the right to hold a forkful of the cake in her face, exhorting her to "come on, just try one bite."

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