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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules.

According to Monday’s Supreme Court decision, “the ability of the President and Congress to keep pace with us is not only separate, but most unequal.”

Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing on behalf of the majority, noted that "while the U.S. Constitution guarantees equality of power among the executive, legislative and judicial branches, it most definitely does not guarantee equality of coolness, and in this regard, the judicial branch kicks that which can be construed as total and complete ass."

"In the case of The U.S. Supreme Court v. Everyone Else (1997)," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, "this court wins by a serious landslide."

According to the decision, the Supreme Court "rules and rules totally, all worthy and touched by nobody, in perpetuity, and in accordance with Article Three of the U.S. Constitution. The ability of the President and Congress to keep pace with us is not only separate, but most unequal. Fuckin' A."

The lone dissenting voice came from Associate Justice David Souter, who worried in his minority opinion that Monday's decision represents "an unnecessary and excessive wielding of judicial power, as the Supreme Court should not need an official ruling to know that it rocks, for it simply does and always has, and that is all there is to say."

The case stems from a 1995 discussion between Chief Justice William Rehnquist and U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) over the relative awesomeness of the Supreme Court and the U.S. Congress. After a particularly vicious "dis" on the judiciary, Rehnquist ordered Lott to refrain from what he termed "excessive and inflammatory ragging on my homies."

"In the case of The U.S. Supreme Court v. Everyone Else (1997), this court wins by a serious landslide." -Justice Clarence Thomas

Lott subsequently challenged Rehnquist in the D.C. Court of Appeals, saying that the Chief Justice had no authority to curtail his right to freedom of expression "merely on the grounds of him being all insecure and knowing I'm right."

Lott, the majority leader of the Senate, said he was "profoundly disappointed" by the decision, but would abide by it. "It's not like I have to," Lott said. "But since the final word on constitutional interpretation is pretty much the only thing the Supreme Court gets to do, I suppose we can let the babies have their bottle."

Lott then sneered powerlessly at the Court building, from whose windows the justices were loudly blaring Twisted Sister's 1984 youth anthem, "We're Not Gonna Take It."

As a result of the ruling, the President and Congress will have to treat the Supreme Court with respect and dignity at all times, including giving them priority both in getting to the front of the line in the U.S. Capitol cafeteria, and in getting seats on the Senate's private, underground transportation system. "The Supreme Court is the place to be in '97," said Justice Antonin Scalia following Monday's ruling. "Legislative branch ain't shit."

"With Ruth on the bench," Scalia added, "we got more chicks than ever." "Nobody can carry the collective jock of this court," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. "Our verdict in Smiley v. Citicorp (1995), which upheld the right of banks to charge late fees on out-of-state credit card accounts even when cardholders' home states ban or limit such fees, hauled major ass."

The Supreme Court is out of session for the next two weeks for a road trip to Toronto, reportedly being made in Justice John Paul Stevens' "Love Van."

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