adBlockCheck

Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

Top Headlines

Politics

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules.

According to Monday’s Supreme Court decision, “the ability of the President and Congress to keep pace with us is not only separate, but most unequal.”

Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing on behalf of the majority, noted that "while the U.S. Constitution guarantees equality of power among the executive, legislative and judicial branches, it most definitely does not guarantee equality of coolness, and in this regard, the judicial branch kicks that which can be construed as total and complete ass."

"In the case of The U.S. Supreme Court v. Everyone Else (1997)," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, "this court wins by a serious landslide."

According to the decision, the Supreme Court "rules and rules totally, all worthy and touched by nobody, in perpetuity, and in accordance with Article Three of the U.S. Constitution. The ability of the President and Congress to keep pace with us is not only separate, but most unequal. Fuckin' A."

The lone dissenting voice came from Associate Justice David Souter, who worried in his minority opinion that Monday's decision represents "an unnecessary and excessive wielding of judicial power, as the Supreme Court should not need an official ruling to know that it rocks, for it simply does and always has, and that is all there is to say."

The case stems from a 1995 discussion between Chief Justice William Rehnquist and U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) over the relative awesomeness of the Supreme Court and the U.S. Congress. After a particularly vicious "dis" on the judiciary, Rehnquist ordered Lott to refrain from what he termed "excessive and inflammatory ragging on my homies."

"In the case of The U.S. Supreme Court v. Everyone Else (1997), this court wins by a serious landslide." -Justice Clarence Thomas

Lott subsequently challenged Rehnquist in the D.C. Court of Appeals, saying that the Chief Justice had no authority to curtail his right to freedom of expression "merely on the grounds of him being all insecure and knowing I'm right."

Lott, the majority leader of the Senate, said he was "profoundly disappointed" by the decision, but would abide by it. "It's not like I have to," Lott said. "But since the final word on constitutional interpretation is pretty much the only thing the Supreme Court gets to do, I suppose we can let the babies have their bottle."

Lott then sneered powerlessly at the Court building, from whose windows the justices were loudly blaring Twisted Sister's 1984 youth anthem, "We're Not Gonna Take It."

As a result of the ruling, the President and Congress will have to treat the Supreme Court with respect and dignity at all times, including giving them priority both in getting to the front of the line in the U.S. Capitol cafeteria, and in getting seats on the Senate's private, underground transportation system. "The Supreme Court is the place to be in '97," said Justice Antonin Scalia following Monday's ruling. "Legislative branch ain't shit."

"With Ruth on the bench," Scalia added, "we got more chicks than ever." "Nobody can carry the collective jock of this court," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. "Our verdict in Smiley v. Citicorp (1995), which upheld the right of banks to charge late fees on out-of-state credit card accounts even when cardholders' home states ban or limit such fees, hauled major ass."

The Supreme Court is out of session for the next two weeks for a road trip to Toronto, reportedly being made in Justice John Paul Stevens' "Love Van."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close