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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules.

According to Monday’s Supreme Court decision, “the ability of the President and Congress to keep pace with us is not only separate, but most unequal.”

Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing on behalf of the majority, noted that "while the U.S. Constitution guarantees equality of power among the executive, legislative and judicial branches, it most definitely does not guarantee equality of coolness, and in this regard, the judicial branch kicks that which can be construed as total and complete ass."

"In the case of The U.S. Supreme Court v. Everyone Else (1997)," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, "this court wins by a serious landslide."

According to the decision, the Supreme Court "rules and rules totally, all worthy and touched by nobody, in perpetuity, and in accordance with Article Three of the U.S. Constitution. The ability of the President and Congress to keep pace with us is not only separate, but most unequal. Fuckin' A."

The lone dissenting voice came from Associate Justice David Souter, who worried in his minority opinion that Monday's decision represents "an unnecessary and excessive wielding of judicial power, as the Supreme Court should not need an official ruling to know that it rocks, for it simply does and always has, and that is all there is to say."

The case stems from a 1995 discussion between Chief Justice William Rehnquist and U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) over the relative awesomeness of the Supreme Court and the U.S. Congress. After a particularly vicious "dis" on the judiciary, Rehnquist ordered Lott to refrain from what he termed "excessive and inflammatory ragging on my homies."

"In the case of The U.S. Supreme Court v. Everyone Else (1997), this court wins by a serious landslide." -Justice Clarence Thomas

Lott subsequently challenged Rehnquist in the D.C. Court of Appeals, saying that the Chief Justice had no authority to curtail his right to freedom of expression "merely on the grounds of him being all insecure and knowing I'm right."

Lott, the majority leader of the Senate, said he was "profoundly disappointed" by the decision, but would abide by it. "It's not like I have to," Lott said. "But since the final word on constitutional interpretation is pretty much the only thing the Supreme Court gets to do, I suppose we can let the babies have their bottle."

Lott then sneered powerlessly at the Court building, from whose windows the justices were loudly blaring Twisted Sister's 1984 youth anthem, "We're Not Gonna Take It."

As a result of the ruling, the President and Congress will have to treat the Supreme Court with respect and dignity at all times, including giving them priority both in getting to the front of the line in the U.S. Capitol cafeteria, and in getting seats on the Senate's private, underground transportation system. "The Supreme Court is the place to be in '97," said Justice Antonin Scalia following Monday's ruling. "Legislative branch ain't shit."

"With Ruth on the bench," Scalia added, "we got more chicks than ever." "Nobody can carry the collective jock of this court," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. "Our verdict in Smiley v. Citicorp (1995), which upheld the right of banks to charge late fees on out-of-state credit card accounts even when cardholders' home states ban or limit such fees, hauled major ass."

The Supreme Court is out of session for the next two weeks for a road trip to Toronto, reportedly being made in Justice John Paul Stevens' "Love Van."

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