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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Supreme Court Unanimously Upholds Concealed Gavel Law

WASHINGTON—In a unanimous 9-0 ruling Friday, the Supreme Court upheld a controversial federal law allowing licensed judges to carry concealed gavels in public. “It is the opinion of the court that any judge, magistrate, or justice found to be of legal age and sound mind who so desires to carry in secret an adjudicating mallet on his or her person, provided such gavel is properly permitted and registered within the local jurisdiction, shall face no legal encumbrances—federal, state, or otherwise—preventing them from so doing,” Chief Justice John Roberts, an outspoken pro-gavel advocate, wrote for the majority. “Whether such an arbitrating implement be used to conclude trial proceedings, commence an adjournment, for self-defense, or purely for sport, the right of any and all judicial officials to harbor a concealed gavel, and the lawful use thereof, is wholly and fundamentally protected under the Constitution of the United States.” Under the terms of the ruling, all varieties of gavel—even automatic or sawed-off models like the ones used in several recent high-profile mass bonkings—will remain legal for judges to carry.

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