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Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases

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Supreme Court

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...

Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves

WASHINGTON—Saying their gel-filled kangaroo-leather palms give him "the control and comfort I need for the perfect swing," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia signed a deal Monday with equipment and accessory maker Easton to endorse the c...

Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook

CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company's popular MacBook that many in attendance described as "disgusting."

Elena Kagan - Trust Us, She Needed This Gig Real Bad

Supreme Court Justice

When she became the fourth woman to join the highest court in the land last August, it was a significant moment in American history. But for newly minted Supreme Court justice Elena Kagan, it meant something so much more: a steady paycheck.

Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual d...

Oct. 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

October 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

Judging Roberts

Last week, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts began. Here are the key facts Congress has uncovered about Judge Roberts:

Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. "Already, this experienced...

Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish

WASHINGTON, DC—A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."

August 1, 1956

Supreme Court Rules U.S. Fathers Should Not Be Disturbed During Dinner Hour

Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual

WASHINGTON, DC—The eight remaining justices of the Supreme Court met in chambers Monday to feast on the living flesh of retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, enacting an ancient tradition that began when the first chief justice of the Supreme Court retired and was summarily consumed in 1795.

June 13, 1967

National Guard Mobilized For Integration Of Negro Into Supreme Court

Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.

Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry

DEDHAM, MA—Ever since last month, when Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex weddings, parents, friends, and coworkers have been pressuring Kristin Burton and her girlfriend Laura Miyatake to marry, the couple of 14 months said Monday.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.

Gore Calls For Recount Of Supreme Court Vote

WASHINGTON, DC– An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach County Canvassing Board. "There is reason to suspect that these nine votes were not properly counted and that as many as five justices who sided with Mr. Bush did not intend to do so," Gore said. "It is therefore in the best interest of our democracy for the U.S. Supreme Court to suspend judgment in this case until we can be absolutely certain that this court did, in fact, intend to rule in Mr. Bush's favor." Gore added that if his recount request is denied, he will file an appeal with the Interplanetary Supreme Court.
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Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases

The Supreme Court’s new talent agent.
The Supreme Court’s new talent agent.

WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their new agent, Rory McCleft, has already started to help the nine-member panel land more high-profile cases.

Early in its 2011–2012 term, the nation’s highest court reportedly began to voice dissatisfaction with longtime agent Jeffrey Muslin, who many justices felt had lost sight of their jurisprudential interests, in particular failing to get them access to “cream of the crop” immigration, health care, intellectual property, and search-and-seizure cases.

“The truth is, we never would have gotten a case like National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius with Jeff,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, referring to the recent landmark decision upholding the individual mandate of the Affordable Care Act. “But Rory was all over it. He burned through his Rolodex, called in every favor he had, and made the deal happen.”

“He just—he gets it, you know?” Roberts continued. “Rory’s always got his ear to the ground for any circuit court cases that might play to our strengths as a group. He understands what we’re about, and he’s very hands-on and curious about what we’re trying to do. He came into the room and just asked us flat out, ‘Where do you want to go as a court? What kind of cases do you want? Gun control? You got it. Abortion? Let’s do it.’ It was so refreshing after all those years where it felt like we were just treading water.”

McCleft has promised the justices they are his “top client.”

According to legal experts, McCleft, a senior partner at Taggart, Stanley & McCleft Representatives and a rising star in judicial talent management, has in a few short years in the business built up an impressive client roster that includes numerous federal district courts, state appellate courts, and even a handful of military tribunals.

Sources said the Supreme Court justices often became frustrated with their former agent when he seemed to place greater priority on his other top client, the New Jersey Superior Court. Their rancor came to a head when Muslin booked Englewood Boat Basin et al. vs. Quartello and Quartello for the New Jersey judges.

“Any case with substance, his precious Superior Court in Jersey always got the first call,” Justice Anthony Kennedy said. “That’s a talented court, no question, but their success kind of came at the expense of our own, you know? Jeff’s a sweet guy, and I respect him, but toward the end there it seemed like we were doing all the heavy lifting just to keep our name out there. Seriously, we had to bring Citizens United to his attention. Can you imagine?”

“At that point it’s like, what are we even paying this guy for?” Kennedy added. “We just felt it was time to move on.”

The Supreme Court has had its share of notable agents over the years, including the legendary Saul Rosen, whose savvy negotiations were credited with making the Warren Court the most powerful in Beltway history, and the notorious Frank Tanner, whose backroom dealings allowed the Rehnquist Court to become the first ever to decide an American presidential election. Given the court’s infamously rigorous demands, McCleft is expected to have his work cut out for him.

“We’re hands-down the most talented judicial body in the nation, and there’s no reason we shouldn’t be landing the top-tier shit,” Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. “I can’t tell you how much it stings to pick up the paper in the morning and read about the Ninth Circuit making some groundbreaking ruling, while we’re all sitting around with our dicks in our hands. All Rory needs to do is get us in the door on those cases. Pitch it to us, we’ll knock it out of the fucking park.”

Although McCleft’s compensation remains undisclosed, it is assumed he will be given the industry standard rate of 10 percent of all court cases to decide for himself.

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