Supreme Court's Sidekick Kid Justice Killed By Mad Genius Dr. Contempto

Top Headlines

Supreme Court

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...

Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases

WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their new agent, Rory McCleft, has already started to help the nine-member panel land more high-profile cases. Earl...

Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves

WASHINGTON—Saying their gel-filled kangaroo-leather palms give him "the control and comfort I need for the perfect swing," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia signed a deal Monday with equipment and accessory maker Easton to endorse the c...

Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook

CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company's popular MacBook that many in attendance described as "disgusting."

Elena Kagan - Trust Us, She Needed This Gig Real Bad

Supreme Court Justice

When she became the fourth woman to join the highest court in the land last August, it was a significant moment in American history. But for newly minted Supreme Court justice Elena Kagan, it meant something so much more: a steady paycheck.

Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual d...

Oct. 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

October 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

Judging Roberts

Last week, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts began. Here are the key facts Congress has uncovered about Judge Roberts:

Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. "Already, this experienced...

Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish

WASHINGTON, DC—A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."

August 1, 1956

Supreme Court Rules U.S. Fathers Should Not Be Disturbed During Dinner Hour

Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual

WASHINGTON, DC—The eight remaining justices of the Supreme Court met in chambers Monday to feast on the living flesh of retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, enacting an ancient tradition that began when the first chief justice of the Supreme Court retired and was summarily consumed in 1795.

June 13, 1967

National Guard Mobilized For Integration Of Negro Into Supreme Court

Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.

Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry

DEDHAM, MA—Ever since last month, when Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex weddings, parents, friends, and coworkers have been pressuring Kristin Burton and her girlfriend Laura Miyatake to marry, the couple of 14 months said Monday.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.

Gore Calls For Recount Of Supreme Court Vote

WASHINGTON, DC– An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach County Canvassing Board. "There is reason to suspect that these nine votes were not properly counted and that as many as five justices who sided with Mr. Bush did not intend to do so," Gore said. "It is therefore in the best interest of our democracy for the U.S. Supreme Court to suspend judgment in this case until we can be absolutely certain that this court did, in fact, intend to rule in Mr. Bush's favor." Gore added that if his recount request is denied, he will file an appeal with the Interplanetary Supreme Court.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Supreme Court's Sidekick Kid Justice Killed By Mad Genius Dr. Contempto

Chief Justice John Roberts cradles the body of his beloved sidekick, Kid Justice.
Chief Justice John Roberts cradles the body of his beloved sidekick, Kid Justice.

WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court was rocked by tragedy Thursday when the judicial branch’s longtime sidekick, Kid Justice, was brutally murdered by the nefarious Dr. Contempto.

Kid Justice, who sources confirmed was the alter ego of mild-mannered Supreme Court fellow Jimmy Randall, reportedly vaulted through the air and intercepted a missile launched by Dr. Contempto in mid-flight, selflessly sacrificing his life to save Chief Justice John Roberts from certain death.

“We are saddened to report that, at approximately 11:35 a.m., Washington’s beloved Kid Justice was pronounced dead,” said D.C. Chief of Police Seamus O’Herlihy. “The missile that struck the teen guardian was more powerful than the Diamontium skin that had protected him from so many other blows, and his powers—encyclopedic memory of Constitutional law and a deep, abiding belief in the U.S. court system—proved to be of no use against the sinister Dr. Contempto.”

After crawling out of a smoldering crater, Chief Justice Roberts reportedly discovered the young sidekick’s motionless body sprawled on a pile of rubble. According to sources, Kid Justice died several minutes later, cradled in the arms of Roberts, who threw his head back and screamed an ear-splitting “Noooooo!”

The villainous Dr. Contempto, sworn enemy of the Court.

Several witnesses confirmed that Contempto reacted to the heroic teen’s death with deep, hearty laughter before fleeing the scene by atomic hovercraft and sneering, “Habeus Corpses, Supreme Court!”

Thursday’s deadly skirmish began outside the Supreme Court Building, popularly known as the Justice Chambers, when continuing arguments in the case of Horne v. Department of Agriculture (No. 12-123) were interrupted by an aerial invasion by Contempto and his fleet of sky-skimming Obstructrons.

“We assumed it was another of Contempto’s schemes to hypnotize the Legislative Branch into checking our power,” Justice Breyer told reporters as he helped clear debris from the courtroom. “Little did we suspect it was a cunning diversion for his actual plan. Few of our adversaries are as devious, or as dangerous, as the great scourge Dr. Contempto.”

Contempto, who was known as scientist Wade Walters before losing a landmark eminent-domain case that forced closure of his laboratory, had long vowed that the Supreme Court would suffer for their insolence, but never succeeded in permanent injury to the deliberative body until Thursday’s showdown.

The deranged genius has attempted to destroy the Supreme Court dozens of times since the prima facie clash in 1987, introducing anti-jurisprudence viruses to the building’s water supply, and the notorious incident of replacing several justices with robot duplicates during the 2000 election crisis.

A preemptive sortie of Court-launched Docket Rockets reportedly caused little damage to Contempto, but bought time, allowing the justices to change into their fighting robes and charge the crystalline gavels that provide them with their superhuman judicial powers. A lengthy and spectacular fight up and down the steps of the Supreme Court Building followed, filled with explosive punches, blasts with optical beams, and protracted oral arguments.

“We searched for Contempto for several hopeless minutes, but he had cloaked himself behind a fog of legal ambiguity,” Justice Elena Kagan said. “Fortunately, Justice Thomas hoisted his gavel and shouted a writ of venire facias, forcing him to appear before the Court.”

Contempto reportedly immobilized several justices with a high-energy Deadlock Ray, halting all judicial activity in its path and preventing the deliberative body from moving forward in any capacity. Contempto then revealed his coup de grace in the form of a medium-yield tritonium missile that was fired directly at Roberts.

While Justices Sotomayor, Breyer, and Scalia writhed and spoke very slowly under the ray’s power, Kid Justice thwarted the attack by throwing himself into the deadly weapon’s path.

The tragic event marks the first death of a sitting sidekick in Supreme Court history, and the first murder of a Court member since the 1996 time-travel incident during which Justice Antonin Scalia was killed by Stephen Douglas but replaced with Universe-H Scalia.

“Jimmy was the best sidekick any court could have asked for,” said Justice Kennedy, expressing the majority opinion. “He stood with us against history’s most depraved and villainous superlawyers: amoral shysters like Purple Plaintiff, horrific mutations like AdvoCat and Liti-Gator, and disfigured grotesques like Objectionable and No Appeal. There will never be another Jimmy, even if one day a Kid Justice II is appointed.”

The Supreme Court has since issued an 8-1 decision ruling that Dr. Contempto will pay.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close