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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Supremes Court Upholds Stopping In The Name Of Love In 2-1 Decision

The perfectly in sync judicial body delivers its passionate majority opinion.
The perfectly in sync judicial body delivers its passionate majority opinion.

WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the Supremes Court, the soulful judicial body that oversees federal matters of the heart, issued a historic decision in the case of Holland v. Baby, Baby, opting to uphold the practice of stopping in the name of love by a 2-1 vote.

"The court has given careful consideration to arguments from both sides, and tried so hard, hard to be patient," Justice Cindy Birdsong said in her well-choreographed majority decision. "It is our opinion that stopping in the name of love is not only the compulsory duty of the philandering party, but it would be irresponsible for him to do otherwise, pursuant to the aforementioned instances in which we have been both good and sweet to you, as well as the imminent risk of breaking the court's heart."

Added Justice Birdsong, "Think it o-o-ver."

This case marks the first challenge against the stopping-in-the-name-of-love doctrine first established more than 40 years ago by the Supremes Court, the nation's highest judicial trio, which presides over the federal government's Motown branch. The Supremes Court has set numerous anti-heartbreak precedents since that time, including the 1964 overturning of Georgia's breaking-up laws in favor of more lenient kissing/making-up statutes, and a 1966 decision that deemed unconstitutional the practice of hurrying love, which was determined to be in direct violation of what the court's mama said.

Although some analysts speculated enough time had passed for the impartial, perfectly harmonized justices to get over it, with this near-unanimous decision, the court once again demonstrated a hard-line stance against messing around. Some critics have said that the latest ruling shows an unethical bias that could affect the court's upcoming decision in the case of the People of the State of California v. This Feeling Inside Me.

"We have concluded this matter is not just a simple abstraction," Justice Mary Wilson explained in a written statement. "The language of the Constitution is unclear on the matter, but it is the court's belief that, had the framers known of your secluded nights, they would have done anything to prevent losing you forever. Including supporting a 28th amendment to force you to stop this infatuation. Ooo."

Assistant attorney Lamont Dozier, who spoke on behalf of romance-related halting, said he was overjoyed with the court's ruling.

"Today, the highest court of soul has spoken for every citizen who has ever had someone take their heart and leave them sad," Dozier told reporters. "I must confess, I became so emotional when I heard them read the decision that I cried tears for those who had never felt the joy we felt and, for a moment, experienced an auditory hallucination of an orchestral performance."

While it was thought the court would hand down a unanimous ruling on the case, Chief Justice Diana Ross provided the sole dissenting opinion, saying that she could not endorse a blanket decision that did not take into consideration the varying degrees of love.

"As an individual, I emphatically support stopping in the name of love," Justice Ross said in her five-page written dissent. "However, I believe it is a states' rights issue and should not be legislated from the highest offices. Additionally, it should be noted that the so-called 'love' referred to in this instance has already been wasted and, in fact, may have been nothing more than a handful of promises. Therefore, I believe it is imprudent to waste further tears on reflections of the way life used to be, reflections of the love you took from me."

Ross then returned to her private chambers without making eye contact with the other two justices.

Justice Ross's written statement has fueled already existing speculation that she may be attempting to draw the court in a more Berry Gordian direction—one that would grant greater authority to the position of chief justice than is given to the Supremes Court as a whole—particularly following the abrupt departure of Justice Florence Ballard.

Congress is expected to support the stopping-in-the-name-of-love ruling by passing a round of legislation first proposed by Sen. Richard Burr (R-NC) last year when his wife was caught running around with the gardener.

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