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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart

NEW YORK—Local shell of a man Joel Marsden said Wednesday that, absolutely, he'd be happy to take care of your cat while you're out of town for three weeks and his entire world is falling to pieces all around him. "Sure, I can help you out in the midst of my total emotional breakdown, no problem," said the 41-year-old man, who may soon have to abandon the past decade of his life and move halfway across the country because his job is being relocated. "I'm in complete psychological shambles at the moment, and of course, you bet, anything I can do to help. It's not like I have anything else going on right now. When's a good time to pick up your keys?" Marsden also said that, once you return, he'd be happy to come by and help you move a bookshelf while he sobs uncontrollably.

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