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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart

NEW YORK—Local shell of a man Joel Marsden said Wednesday that, absolutely, he'd be happy to take care of your cat while you're out of town for three weeks and his entire world is falling to pieces all around him. "Sure, I can help you out in the midst of my total emotional breakdown, no problem," said the 41-year-old man, who may soon have to abandon the past decade of his life and move halfway across the country because his job is being relocated. "I'm in complete psychological shambles at the moment, and of course, you bet, anything I can do to help. It's not like I have anything else going on right now. When's a good time to pick up your keys?" Marsden also said that, once you return, he'd be happy to come by and help you move a bookshelf while he sobs uncontrollably.

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