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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart

NEW YORK—Local shell of a man Joel Marsden said Wednesday that, absolutely, he'd be happy to take care of your cat while you're out of town for three weeks and his entire world is falling to pieces all around him. "Sure, I can help you out in the midst of my total emotional breakdown, no problem," said the 41-year-old man, who may soon have to abandon the past decade of his life and move halfway across the country because his job is being relocated. "I'm in complete psychological shambles at the moment, and of course, you bet, anything I can do to help. It's not like I have anything else going on right now. When's a good time to pick up your keys?" Marsden also said that, once you return, he'd be happy to come by and help you move a bookshelf while he sobs uncontrollably.

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