adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart

NEW YORK—Local shell of a man Joel Marsden said Wednesday that, absolutely, he'd be happy to take care of your cat while you're out of town for three weeks and his entire world is falling to pieces all around him. "Sure, I can help you out in the midst of my total emotional breakdown, no problem," said the 41-year-old man, who may soon have to abandon the past decade of his life and move halfway across the country because his job is being relocated. "I'm in complete psychological shambles at the moment, and of course, you bet, anything I can do to help. It's not like I have anything else going on right now. When's a good time to pick up your keys?" Marsden also said that, once you return, he'd be happy to come by and help you move a bookshelf while he sobs uncontrollably.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close